Whoops, I'm a little late getting this one up. Sorry guys! Work has been a bit crazy and I have less and less free time lately. I'm going to drop this down to once a week posts on Thursdays from now on so I can write better posts over the course of a week instead of making sure I get them done and out on time.
Anywho... Upselling. Yes. Personally, I don't really mind upselling and I'm good enough at it to be effective. As a customer however, I kind of hate it. But I get why it's done. Just about every store ever has daily goals. Let's say for example we have to sell $1000 of product a day. Just for Easy Math sake. We're open for 10 hours, so Corporate expects sales at an average rate of $100 per hour. Cool. Not terribly hard. But here's the kicker. They want our average amount per transaction to be ABOVE $30 dollars, and the average items per transaction to be above 3 or 4 depending on the time of year.
If I end my day with an average dollar amount of $20, and item amount of 1.5, I get reamed out the next morning by my DM. Whether it was my fault or not. So when someone gets to my register with one $0.99 item, I push things on them HARD. Because I hate getting yelled at for doing my job. I could be having a great day, with numbers of $55 and 9 and then someone comes in and buys that one item for a buck and my numbers fall to like $42 and 7. Then another small sale. Now I'm down to $20 and 5. So now I get yelled at.
I know it's hard to comprehend if you've never been on my side of the register, but for some reason, if I don't hit our sales goal of $1000, but my numbers at night are 50 and 10, I am in less trouble than if I exceed my sales goal but my numbers are $10 and 1. It makes no logical sense. But that is what all might Corporate has deemed to be right. So that's what we follow. And really, you have to TRY not to spend over $30 in my store. It's relatively easy to get up that high.
But Elle!! You're stealing my hard earned money when you talk me into buying more items!!!!
Actually, no. I've been in retail long enough to know when a person can and can't afford that extra 3 bucks. If I know you can't, I don't push the sale. In fact, I may see if I can work in a sale and lower the price for you. Because even though I work in retail, I am a very nice person. I want all my customers to be happy and know that they're important to me. (At least on some level. Some of my regulars I hate, but they spend a lot of money so I appreciate that at least.) When I upsell you to hit those goals laid out for me, what I'm really doing is insuring I have hours next week.
WARNING: BIG OL' RETAIL SECRET AHEAD.
We actually base how many hours we get to schedule employees, based off of our sales. When we miss sales goals, we have to cut hours. Which means smaller paychecks. And sad employees. Who can barely afford to eat food, let alone get to work. And those who sell the best, get the best hours. In case you haven't picked up on it, I'm not a teenager that works in retail. I'm a bonafide adult with adult expenses who just happens to love this field. I have a mortgage. A car loan. Insurance. Credit cards. Grocery bills. Utilities. Etc. I work for freaking $8 per hour. Now I know that if I work a minimum of X hours per week I can take care of my share of the bills for the house every month. But, if we had such a terrible week that there isn't X hours for me to work, just a measly X-10 hours, I'm boned. I'm either not eating, not getting to work, or not having a phone that month.
My sales numbers DIRECTLY impact my pay. I might work for a giant company, but that doesn't mean it's not like supporting the local guy. We have at least three of our company's stores in my city. But choosing store A over B or C makes a difference. The employees over at A are going to get all the hours you made possible instead of store B or C. The money doesn't all just go to Corporate to dole out in an even fashion to all the employees. We have to earn those hours and paychecks every day. So when I pitch our sale at you, and it's only an extra $5... Go for it. If everyone I cashed out in a day added on $5, there would be 10 - 20 hours available to pick up. More hours available means more work and bigger paychecks. Bigger paychecks means more spending and more spending means it boosts the economy. Seriously. Save the economy. Listen to Upselling.
Just cuz I'm paid to be nice to you, doesn't mean you're not a fucking creep.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Let me tell you guys, we're not allowed to be mean to anyone. And that's probably why a lot of you treat us like shit when we tell you no. Retail has become so focused on not upsetting a single person, that our return policies only hold up if the customer wants it to. It's ridiculous. Last night was my shift from hell. Unfortunately we have no hours right now which means barely any coverage, so our breaks are taken very close to the beginning/end of our shifts depending on when we (and the only other person working that day) come in. That's pretty sucky but not the worst. I've dealt with worse.
But on top of really no breaks, being alone all night and having to change signs on top of everything, having my printer shit the bed so I can't even print the signs but have to HAND MAKE THEM, my POS computer going down (pun entirely intended), I also spent 2 hours with a fucking creeper who would not leave me alone. And it's somehow become unacceptable to call security as a female alone in a store because some dude is being inappropriate but you're not in danger. Ladies, you know that balance of creepy.
Homeboy comes in, touches EVERYTHING and then starts asking me a million questions because he wants to know more about "pop culture". Go out in the fucking world. Turn on a tv, computer, or radio and you will learn just fine. What did you just get out of prison? You sir, have the weirdest vibe I have ever been near and I really hope I never see you again. He asked about some music related accessories we sold and then asked about a sweatband. You know, those stretchy things that go on your wrist for wiping sweat off your forehead? Suggestively asking if he even "wanted to know what part of the body you wear this on".
Now, let's take a break from this while everyone vomits. It's okay, I understand. But allow me to paint you a picture. I am the only employee in the store. I have about customers in there, and I am doing my best to help all of them in a timely fashion. For the most part, everyone is sympathetic. I am also on and off the phone with our IT desk trying to get my shit to work. But people are still graciously putting up with it. One guy even offered to wait until my computer was repaired to cash out, instead of me putting Mr. IT Guy on hold for 30 seconds to take care of him. Seriously, most of you last night were great. Now, while I'm on and off that phone, I'm up and down rooting around in the bowels of our cashwrap, unplugging and hard resetting things according to IT Guy's instructions. I'm covered in dirt and dust, probably crying a little, and counting the minutes until I can go home and booze up. AND THIS DUDE IS HINTING AT HIS AWKWARD FUCKING PENIS AT ME. Even if we were in the parallel universe where I was single, and possibly interested in his socially awkward, late 30's, acne ridden self... How the fuck is that the time to make a pass like that?
And then. THEN. He goes to squeal, yes, SQUEAL over shit for little girls. Oh hi, I'm pretty sure you're a pedophile now. Why are you out in public with children about? Ugh. This dude seriously made my skin crawl. I can't even put in to words the creepy he was. And at the end, he bought nothing. Not even a 99 cent item. I'm not saying you have to spend money when you come in, but if you're an asshole in any way, shape, or form, you best to be spending money here or I will remember your face and I will not be as graciously helpful next time.
But on top of really no breaks, being alone all night and having to change signs on top of everything, having my printer shit the bed so I can't even print the signs but have to HAND MAKE THEM, my POS computer going down (pun entirely intended), I also spent 2 hours with a fucking creeper who would not leave me alone. And it's somehow become unacceptable to call security as a female alone in a store because some dude is being inappropriate but you're not in danger. Ladies, you know that balance of creepy.
Homeboy comes in, touches EVERYTHING and then starts asking me a million questions because he wants to know more about "pop culture". Go out in the fucking world. Turn on a tv, computer, or radio and you will learn just fine. What did you just get out of prison? You sir, have the weirdest vibe I have ever been near and I really hope I never see you again. He asked about some music related accessories we sold and then asked about a sweatband. You know, those stretchy things that go on your wrist for wiping sweat off your forehead? Suggestively asking if he even "wanted to know what part of the body you wear this on".
Now, let's take a break from this while everyone vomits. It's okay, I understand. But allow me to paint you a picture. I am the only employee in the store. I have about customers in there, and I am doing my best to help all of them in a timely fashion. For the most part, everyone is sympathetic. I am also on and off the phone with our IT desk trying to get my shit to work. But people are still graciously putting up with it. One guy even offered to wait until my computer was repaired to cash out, instead of me putting Mr. IT Guy on hold for 30 seconds to take care of him. Seriously, most of you last night were great. Now, while I'm on and off that phone, I'm up and down rooting around in the bowels of our cashwrap, unplugging and hard resetting things according to IT Guy's instructions. I'm covered in dirt and dust, probably crying a little, and counting the minutes until I can go home and booze up. AND THIS DUDE IS HINTING AT HIS AWKWARD FUCKING PENIS AT ME. Even if we were in the parallel universe where I was single, and possibly interested in his socially awkward, late 30's, acne ridden self... How the fuck is that the time to make a pass like that?
And then. THEN. He goes to squeal, yes, SQUEAL over shit for little girls. Oh hi, I'm pretty sure you're a pedophile now. Why are you out in public with children about? Ugh. This dude seriously made my skin crawl. I can't even put in to words the creepy he was. And at the end, he bought nothing. Not even a 99 cent item. I'm not saying you have to spend money when you come in, but if you're an asshole in any way, shape, or form, you best to be spending money here or I will remember your face and I will not be as graciously helpful next time.
Don't want that item? Here's what to do with it! or "I am not a coat rack!"
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Walk in to any retail store and you will see a sea of neatly, mysteriously folded shirts and pants. We all fold our own clothes at home, but retail folding is a magic process with folds, stickers, and creases that make no sense to the average consumer. And we know that. We don't ever expect you to fold our clothes properly. Some stores even use shirt boards so there's no way you could get it right on your own. And we're totally okay with that. But we are NOT okay with is what you do next.
Some of you will decide you don't want a shirt. Say it's a blue shirt with an elephant on it in a medium. You fold it the way you would at home, put it on top of a completely different shirt, and go about your shopping. Then 10 minutes later, re-think that choice so you go back to Blue Elephant Shirt Display. Grab another medium, even though the one you left earlier is 5 feet away. You get to the other side of the store, decide that no, you REALLY don't want it, and leave it mushed between our shoes. Cool. You're about to check out and go "Man, I really want that Blue Elephant shirt. I'm gonna go get it for realsies now." So you go back a third time. Low and behold.... No mediums left. (This may or may not be because you have strewn them all over my store.) So you ask an employee to help you out. If this is you, please go read the previous entry and then come back here. I'll wait. Good, now what did we learn?
Then there are the people who I refer to as the third type of people. I always used to believe that there were two types of people in this world. Good people, and bad people. Then I started in retail. There are people who will decide they don't want an article of clothing, which is totally okay, put it back in the correct location, but put it there, balled up, wedged between the bottom two items in the stack. Sometimes we won't find that for DAYS and now it is too wrinkled to fold and get out on the floor. There is a special circle reserved in hell for these people. Seriously. There is someone right next to our shirts, folding ones people didn't want, almost all fucking day. The need of shirts to be folded keeps at LEAST 3 of my cashiers employed. What the fuck do you think is going to happen if you just gave it to one of us and said you didn't want it? Or nicely placed it back where you got it from? Do you think we would yell at you? Or maybe just fucking smile and say "Oh don't worry I'll take care of it!" I'll give you a hint. We don't mind putting shit back the right way.
I suppose there's also the people who try so very hard to figure out our strange shirt folding ways. I love these people. I wish I could discount their purchases when they do that. I always come over and say "oh don't worry I'll take that!" and I always hear one of two things. Either "Oh no it's okay I wanna do it" and I love that, or "I've worked in retail, I know I can do this!" and we love that too. But really, we'd rather just refold ourselves because all stores have different standards. Your folds might be super awesome, but they're not our folds and we need consistency in our store. I still love you, I won't stop you, and I will just wish I could give you a discount without getting in trouble all day.
And for the love of all that is holy, DON'T just shove shit at an employee grunting "I don't want these" and stomp away. We're people. Not coat racks. We're okay with you giving us things you don't want, and in fact, prefer that you do that so we can make sure they're folded or hung up properly, but respect us as people. Would you just shove things at your grandmother and stomp off? That would be rude you say? Bingo. It's still rude when you do it to us.
Some of you will decide you don't want a shirt. Say it's a blue shirt with an elephant on it in a medium. You fold it the way you would at home, put it on top of a completely different shirt, and go about your shopping. Then 10 minutes later, re-think that choice so you go back to Blue Elephant Shirt Display. Grab another medium, even though the one you left earlier is 5 feet away. You get to the other side of the store, decide that no, you REALLY don't want it, and leave it mushed between our shoes. Cool. You're about to check out and go "Man, I really want that Blue Elephant shirt. I'm gonna go get it for realsies now." So you go back a third time. Low and behold.... No mediums left. (This may or may not be because you have strewn them all over my store.) So you ask an employee to help you out. If this is you, please go read the previous entry and then come back here. I'll wait. Good, now what did we learn?
Then there are the people who I refer to as the third type of people. I always used to believe that there were two types of people in this world. Good people, and bad people. Then I started in retail. There are people who will decide they don't want an article of clothing, which is totally okay, put it back in the correct location, but put it there, balled up, wedged between the bottom two items in the stack. Sometimes we won't find that for DAYS and now it is too wrinkled to fold and get out on the floor. There is a special circle reserved in hell for these people. Seriously. There is someone right next to our shirts, folding ones people didn't want, almost all fucking day. The need of shirts to be folded keeps at LEAST 3 of my cashiers employed. What the fuck do you think is going to happen if you just gave it to one of us and said you didn't want it? Or nicely placed it back where you got it from? Do you think we would yell at you? Or maybe just fucking smile and say "Oh don't worry I'll take care of it!" I'll give you a hint. We don't mind putting shit back the right way.
I suppose there's also the people who try so very hard to figure out our strange shirt folding ways. I love these people. I wish I could discount their purchases when they do that. I always come over and say "oh don't worry I'll take that!" and I always hear one of two things. Either "Oh no it's okay I wanna do it" and I love that, or "I've worked in retail, I know I can do this!" and we love that too. But really, we'd rather just refold ourselves because all stores have different standards. Your folds might be super awesome, but they're not our folds and we need consistency in our store. I still love you, I won't stop you, and I will just wish I could give you a discount without getting in trouble all day.
And for the love of all that is holy, DON'T just shove shit at an employee grunting "I don't want these" and stomp away. We're people. Not coat racks. We're okay with you giving us things you don't want, and in fact, prefer that you do that so we can make sure they're folded or hung up properly, but respect us as people. Would you just shove things at your grandmother and stomp off? That would be rude you say? Bingo. It's still rude when you do it to us.
What we really have in the back.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
To the average consumer, the back room of a store is a mystical and magical place filled with hundreds of every item our company has ever sold, in every size and color imaginable. Should an item not be on our shelves, it is surely in the back, which must be a well organized space with directions to where everything is kept and possibly run by elves. In reality, most back rooms are the size of a walk-in closet in a downtown Manhattan apartment. That is to say, really fucking small. And most have little to no product in them, just a break area, bathroom for employees, old signs, paperwork, and store fixtures we're not currently using. If we happen to have product, it's probably poorly organized at best.
I'm fortunate enough to work in a store that keeps what product we do have back there fairly organized. But due to the lack of stuff in there, I know without looking what we have and what we don't. So when someone comes in and asks if we have this clearance item in a 3X in the back, the answer is "Are you fucking crazy woman? That shirt is 6 months old and marked down to $0.99. You really think I have MORE in the back?" But what we say (with a smile mind you) is "Oh! Let me go look! I'll be right back!" and we go behind that employees only door. At this point we just stand there. Maybe we take a bathroom break, take a sip of a drink, fix our hair, etc. But it takes us all of half a second to look and go "Nope!".
Now, if we were to poke our head in the back, come back out and tell you "no", you'd accuse us of not looking or not wanting to help you. Oh dear Elle I would never!!! you might have just thought to yourself. Shut the fuck up. You have. This is something we learn early on in our retail careers. If we're entirely honest with customers, we will inevitably get yelled at by them. And it sucks. So we lie a little. All of us do. Especially about our backroom.
This past holiday season I was fortunate enough to work on Christmas Eve. I had a woman ask me for the SINGLE MOST POPULAR SHIRT we sold that season in a medium. All we had left were extra smalls. And because of the holiday rush, our backroom was a ghost town. Not a spot of product, save the overflow electronic items we keep locked up, was in there. I kindly as I could at 5pm on Christmas Eve at work in the mall told her that we had all of our product on the floor and did not have more in the back. I also explained it was a very popular style, and we barely managed to keep any on the shelves even though we got a new run of it almost every shipment. Well. That was not good enough for this woman. She bitched. And moaned. And bitched some more. What exactly am I supposed to do? I'm not some Taiwanese 3 year old in a sweatshop. (NOTE: Elle's Store™ does not employ sweatshop workers of the Taiwanese persuasion or any other. The previous sentence was just to make a point.) I can't make you a new shirt. If you needed it for your dear little Timmy and really wanted to make his Christmas this year, you would have thought about it more that 17 FUCKING HOURS BEFORE CHRISTMAS MORNING YOU FAT COW.
But of course, I can't tell you this because I would get fired. So I will smile sweetly and "double check in the back for you" which is to say, I will close the door, curse you out, take a drink of some nice Starbuck's coffee, and cry a little before going back out to tell you we do not, in fact, have more in the back. Just like I told you before the yelling.
I'm fortunate enough to work in a store that keeps what product we do have back there fairly organized. But due to the lack of stuff in there, I know without looking what we have and what we don't. So when someone comes in and asks if we have this clearance item in a 3X in the back, the answer is "Are you fucking crazy woman? That shirt is 6 months old and marked down to $0.99. You really think I have MORE in the back?" But what we say (with a smile mind you) is "Oh! Let me go look! I'll be right back!" and we go behind that employees only door. At this point we just stand there. Maybe we take a bathroom break, take a sip of a drink, fix our hair, etc. But it takes us all of half a second to look and go "Nope!".
Now, if we were to poke our head in the back, come back out and tell you "no", you'd accuse us of not looking or not wanting to help you. Oh dear Elle I would never!!! you might have just thought to yourself. Shut the fuck up. You have. This is something we learn early on in our retail careers. If we're entirely honest with customers, we will inevitably get yelled at by them. And it sucks. So we lie a little. All of us do. Especially about our backroom.
This past holiday season I was fortunate enough to work on Christmas Eve. I had a woman ask me for the SINGLE MOST POPULAR SHIRT we sold that season in a medium. All we had left were extra smalls. And because of the holiday rush, our backroom was a ghost town. Not a spot of product, save the overflow electronic items we keep locked up, was in there. I kindly as I could at 5pm on Christmas Eve at work in the mall told her that we had all of our product on the floor and did not have more in the back. I also explained it was a very popular style, and we barely managed to keep any on the shelves even though we got a new run of it almost every shipment. Well. That was not good enough for this woman. She bitched. And moaned. And bitched some more. What exactly am I supposed to do? I'm not some Taiwanese 3 year old in a sweatshop. (NOTE: Elle's Store™ does not employ sweatshop workers of the Taiwanese persuasion or any other. The previous sentence was just to make a point.) I can't make you a new shirt. If you needed it for your dear little Timmy and really wanted to make his Christmas this year, you would have thought about it more that 17 FUCKING HOURS BEFORE CHRISTMAS MORNING YOU FAT COW.
But of course, I can't tell you this because I would get fired. So I will smile sweetly and "double check in the back for you" which is to say, I will close the door, curse you out, take a drink of some nice Starbuck's coffee, and cry a little before going back out to tell you we do not, in fact, have more in the back. Just like I told you before the yelling.
Closed means we are CLOSED.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Oh this. Yes, this. Every retail employee has dealt with this at some point. During off hours inventory, or perhaps a remodel of your store, or even after 5 loudspeaker announcements that your store has been closed for upwards of 45 minutes. But still, there is some blue haired old bat banging down your door or some overly self entitled mommy still wandering the isles like our clocks follow her exact schedule.
So in case you weren't aware, stores have a specific schedule of when they are open and when they are closed. And when someone is working until close, they get to go home after closing. We don't sleep at our jobs and REALLY want to go the FUCK home when we're done. So when we announce that we're closed, we understand you might be at the furthest corner of our store still shopping. We don't have clocks around the store and maybe time got away from you. It's okay. We'll wait 5 minutes. We're okay with that. But when we make the announcement that we've been closed for HALF AN HOUR we fucking haaaaaaaate yooooouuuuu.
We only get like 30 minutes to close the store after hours. So now as your fat ass lollygags it's way up to the front end, I should be lighting my celebratory end of day cigarette and getting in to my shiny little sports car with my bass up far too loud as I blast the hell out of offensive music. But no. I am STILL at my register, asking if you found everything okay and if you have a fucking rewards card. And I still have 30 minutes of paperwork to do after you leave. Really, it's okay. I didn't want to get home anytime before my boyfriend (who works opposite hours from me) goes to sleep. It's fine I swear.
Oh and now, I'm over on my hours! And with out a supervisor's permission to be over the time I was scheduled, I get in trouble! Cool! Now I have to figure out how to spread out 47 extra minutes of break time over 2 days in a way that doesn't screw the rest of my coworkers. See corporate REALLY hates paying overtime. To the point that I could work THREE 13 hour shifts and not get a cent of over time because I'd end my week at 39 hours. I don't get overtime till I pass 40 hours. Not 8 hours in a day. 40 hours in a week. Man I hate corporate sometimes.
And then there are the old people who don't understand being closed. At one point in my current career as register monkey, my store had a remodel. Remodels are kind of awesome because you get a pristine store for all of 30 seconds, and get to spend 3 days or so working without talking to a single customer (in theory). But they suck because we literally had to move our store into a new location and back again when the remodel was done. At this particular location, we had a total glass front and two giant glass doors as our front that looked out into the mall. So we did the sensible thing and bought a HUGE roll of brown paper, cut it to fit the windows and doors, and wrote on the paper in HUGE letters "CLOSED FOR REMODEL. WILL REOPEN THE WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING". (No, I am not making that up. We opened our newly remodeled store the day before Thanksgiving because clearly nothing would go wrong with it and we would have a smooth Black Friday with all new everything. But that's a story for another week.)
Of course, we couldn't lock the doors because we were constantly going in and out to get product and fixtures and what not to set up the new store. About once and hour, some moron open the door, tried to walk in and either asked if we were open, or yelled at us for keeping such a messy store. Now, for our remodel, we not only had our full staff there everyday, but our DM, RM, and some members of corporate to help. For those of you playing the home game, I have a temper and a mouth. I could only take so many of these idiots before I lost it. And that was the third and final day of our remodel adventure. Some old lady barges in, complaining about god knows what, and asks if we're even open. Oh man, here I go.
I start to scream at her, in front of everyone who could fire me, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE FUCKING OPEN? IS ANYONE IN UNIFORM? IS PRODUCT ON THE SHELVES? IS THERE NOT A BIG FUCKING SIGN THAT READS CLOSED ON OUR FUCKING DOOR? ARE YOU STUPID OR ILLITERATE?" And that went on for a good minute and a half before she left in shame. My DM marched over and started saying some shit about customer service so I pointed out she wasn't a customer, I was on my 30th hour of work in 3 days, and to suck my dick I was so over it. Our DM wasn't unreasonable, noticed everyone else felt how I was acting, and made the glorious decision to treat everyone to coffee, donuts, and pizza. It's been 3 years since that incident and I still have my job, without being written up for that episode.
So in case you weren't aware, stores have a specific schedule of when they are open and when they are closed. And when someone is working until close, they get to go home after closing. We don't sleep at our jobs and REALLY want to go the FUCK home when we're done. So when we announce that we're closed, we understand you might be at the furthest corner of our store still shopping. We don't have clocks around the store and maybe time got away from you. It's okay. We'll wait 5 minutes. We're okay with that. But when we make the announcement that we've been closed for HALF AN HOUR we fucking haaaaaaaate yooooouuuuu.
We only get like 30 minutes to close the store after hours. So now as your fat ass lollygags it's way up to the front end, I should be lighting my celebratory end of day cigarette and getting in to my shiny little sports car with my bass up far too loud as I blast the hell out of offensive music. But no. I am STILL at my register, asking if you found everything okay and if you have a fucking rewards card. And I still have 30 minutes of paperwork to do after you leave. Really, it's okay. I didn't want to get home anytime before my boyfriend (who works opposite hours from me) goes to sleep. It's fine I swear.
Oh and now, I'm over on my hours! And with out a supervisor's permission to be over the time I was scheduled, I get in trouble! Cool! Now I have to figure out how to spread out 47 extra minutes of break time over 2 days in a way that doesn't screw the rest of my coworkers. See corporate REALLY hates paying overtime. To the point that I could work THREE 13 hour shifts and not get a cent of over time because I'd end my week at 39 hours. I don't get overtime till I pass 40 hours. Not 8 hours in a day. 40 hours in a week. Man I hate corporate sometimes.
And then there are the old people who don't understand being closed. At one point in my current career as register monkey, my store had a remodel. Remodels are kind of awesome because you get a pristine store for all of 30 seconds, and get to spend 3 days or so working without talking to a single customer (in theory). But they suck because we literally had to move our store into a new location and back again when the remodel was done. At this particular location, we had a total glass front and two giant glass doors as our front that looked out into the mall. So we did the sensible thing and bought a HUGE roll of brown paper, cut it to fit the windows and doors, and wrote on the paper in HUGE letters "CLOSED FOR REMODEL. WILL REOPEN THE WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING". (No, I am not making that up. We opened our newly remodeled store the day before Thanksgiving because clearly nothing would go wrong with it and we would have a smooth Black Friday with all new everything. But that's a story for another week.)
Of course, we couldn't lock the doors because we were constantly going in and out to get product and fixtures and what not to set up the new store. About once and hour, some moron open the door, tried to walk in and either asked if we were open, or yelled at us for keeping such a messy store. Now, for our remodel, we not only had our full staff there everyday, but our DM, RM, and some members of corporate to help. For those of you playing the home game, I have a temper and a mouth. I could only take so many of these idiots before I lost it. And that was the third and final day of our remodel adventure. Some old lady barges in, complaining about god knows what, and asks if we're even open. Oh man, here I go.
I start to scream at her, in front of everyone who could fire me, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE FUCKING OPEN? IS ANYONE IN UNIFORM? IS PRODUCT ON THE SHELVES? IS THERE NOT A BIG FUCKING SIGN THAT READS CLOSED ON OUR FUCKING DOOR? ARE YOU STUPID OR ILLITERATE?" And that went on for a good minute and a half before she left in shame. My DM marched over and started saying some shit about customer service so I pointed out she wasn't a customer, I was on my 30th hour of work in 3 days, and to suck my dick I was so over it. Our DM wasn't unreasonable, noticed everyone else felt how I was acting, and made the glorious decision to treat everyone to coffee, donuts, and pizza. It's been 3 years since that incident and I still have my job, without being written up for that episode.
If you have kids over the age of 14, you're going to want to read this:
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Parents? I'm looking at you today. I think back to my childhood and realize that at 16, I was better behaved than most 22 year olds today. So what exactly are you teaching your kids now? To be condescending little shits when we tell them that no, we can't in fact take your parent's credit card that has "see ID" written on the back without said parent present and their ID? Or perhaps it is to steal from businesses? Or possibly to throw our items on the floor then spit your gum into them so we lose money on damaged items? Or maybe is it to completely ignore anyone and everyone in their general area and then lose their minds when informed of rules/sales/anything?
What's that I hear you thinking? "My kid would never act like that, s/he's unique little sunflower that most people just don't 'get'."? Yeah. No they're not. When you're not around, they are disrespectful little fucks and I'm willing to bet money they're the same around you but you're too fucking blind to see it. Man if I pulled half the shit I see these teens do on a regular basis, my mother would have smacked me good.
If I had a dollar for every time a teenager rolled their eyes at me for doing my job during the month, I'd have enough to pay my freaking mortgage. "Do you have our rewards card?" "UGH NO. *rolls eyes* I just wanna get new shoesssssssssssss." Cool bitch. Most of the time, if you have our card, you get a discount on your purchase. Sorry I'm trying to save you fucking money. How about I just ignore your attitude and continue. "Your total is $73.86!" "WHAAAAAAAAT? THE SIGN SAYS REWARDS MEMBERS GET 20% OFF!!!!" Yes, it does. But you don't have a rewards card you dumb little shit. I know because I fucking asked you for it and you gave me a shit attitude. I don't get paid enough to deal with this bullshit. And no, I don't have a card I can scan for you. So suck it.
And on the reverse of that, parents: when your kids are about 15/16, it's time to step off a little. For example, they know what size pants they wear. This past weekend I had a "regular" come in for jeans. He and his mom come in once every month or so for clothes and they always have "that argument". The mom clearly doesn't like what he buys, but by my best guess, the kid is 17 and I have never seen him dressed in a way that wasn't acceptable for church so... I think he's doing alright in the getting dressed department mom! But he prefers the "skinny" jeans for guys. His mom asks for more styles in a 34x32 and so I go find some. He asks to try them on and we get halfway to the fitting room and he sighs and goes "I wear a 32x32. My mom doesn't understand they are supposed to be fitted and these are going to fall off of me." I had to covertly sneak this poor kid the jeans he liked in his size while his mother HOVERED around the door to the fitting room to make sure he bought the size she wanted.
I'm not quite sure which is worse. Parents that let their kids treat people who are working like dirt, or parents that have wonderful, respectful children and cannot fucking cut the cord. I mean, neither is something I like dealing with and I have to wonder, what exactly have you been doing for the past 2 decades? Whatever it is, you need to evaluate that shit and fast.
What's that I hear you thinking? "My kid would never act like that, s/he's unique little sunflower that most people just don't 'get'."? Yeah. No they're not. When you're not around, they are disrespectful little fucks and I'm willing to bet money they're the same around you but you're too fucking blind to see it. Man if I pulled half the shit I see these teens do on a regular basis, my mother would have smacked me good.
If I had a dollar for every time a teenager rolled their eyes at me for doing my job during the month, I'd have enough to pay my freaking mortgage. "Do you have our rewards card?" "UGH NO. *rolls eyes* I just wanna get new shoesssssssssssss." Cool bitch. Most of the time, if you have our card, you get a discount on your purchase. Sorry I'm trying to save you fucking money. How about I just ignore your attitude and continue. "Your total is $73.86!" "WHAAAAAAAAT? THE SIGN SAYS REWARDS MEMBERS GET 20% OFF!!!!" Yes, it does. But you don't have a rewards card you dumb little shit. I know because I fucking asked you for it and you gave me a shit attitude. I don't get paid enough to deal with this bullshit. And no, I don't have a card I can scan for you. So suck it.
And on the reverse of that, parents: when your kids are about 15/16, it's time to step off a little. For example, they know what size pants they wear. This past weekend I had a "regular" come in for jeans. He and his mom come in once every month or so for clothes and they always have "that argument". The mom clearly doesn't like what he buys, but by my best guess, the kid is 17 and I have never seen him dressed in a way that wasn't acceptable for church so... I think he's doing alright in the getting dressed department mom! But he prefers the "skinny" jeans for guys. His mom asks for more styles in a 34x32 and so I go find some. He asks to try them on and we get halfway to the fitting room and he sighs and goes "I wear a 32x32. My mom doesn't understand they are supposed to be fitted and these are going to fall off of me." I had to covertly sneak this poor kid the jeans he liked in his size while his mother HOVERED around the door to the fitting room to make sure he bought the size she wanted.
I'm not quite sure which is worse. Parents that let their kids treat people who are working like dirt, or parents that have wonderful, respectful children and cannot fucking cut the cord. I mean, neither is something I like dealing with and I have to wonder, what exactly have you been doing for the past 2 decades? Whatever it is, you need to evaluate that shit and fast.
Fitting room etiquette
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Our fitting room is my least favorite thing in our store. Mostly I wish we didn't have it because there are very few people who understand how it works. We are a smaller store. We clearly have ONE single fitting room available. And it is always locked. There are a few reasons for this. Partly to prevent stealing, we keep an eye on the room, know when someone goes in, and are sure of what they went in with versus what comes out. Partly because we don't want 12 teenagers cramming in there to fawn for hours over themselves in different clothing taking selfies and what not while people who actually want to spend money are waiting to try the one item they love on. This is another part of retail no one seems to understand.
Okay, so you want to try 100 things on. You have all intentions of dropping money to pay for these things. Awesome. I love you. But we still can only allow X items at once. Our store happens to be 3. I will gladly hold all of the rest of your items at my register and switch out with stuff you have tried on until you are finished. It's a loss prevention thing. Nothing personal, just LP is taken very seriously and any violation of those policies can cost an associate their job. But for the love of Pete And Pete, don't come out with all three on and go "I'm going to take these! Can I have three more to try on?" It does not work that way. Take the clothes you like off, hand them to me, and I will give you more.
You want your BFF's opinion? I understand hat. But they can't come in the fitting room with you. We have a strict 1 person at a time policy, again LP thing, and the only exception we make is when it's a parent and a child. Sure, we'll let it slide if your friend needs to come in and zip up a dress for you, as long and they scoot right back out of there. Don't you dare give me the bitch face when I come over, knock on the door and ask the second person to get out. I am just doing my job and if you want to be a bitch, I will gladly make sure the process sucks just as much for you as it does for me to deal with you.
Want to go in the fitting room with your girlfriend to "help her try things on"? Go take a cold fucking shower and get the shit out of my store. You are disgusting. And don't try to be cute about it when I tell you no. Don't ask me 12 more times. I will, and have, personally escort you out of my store and not allow you back in for the day. Kids use that fitting room. Older women. Would you cum on your grandmother's living room floor? Or your child's bed? No? That's disgusting you say? Well then what makes it so acceptable to do in my fucking fitting room? Would you clean up someone else's sex drippings for minimum wage? For any wage even? No? Surprise! Me either! I will give you our spray cleaner and a roll of paper towels and make you clean it while we wait for security.
Oh hey! Do you smell bad? Please take a shower before trying on our clothes. Other people are going to buy them when you don't and that's just gross. Also you make the ENTIRE ROOM smell of rotting flesh and unwashed genitals. No one likes that. No one. And guess who gets to fabreeze it. My minimum wage paid ass. Fuck you smelly person. Actually, no. Fuck yourself because you are NASTY.
Okay, so you want to try 100 things on. You have all intentions of dropping money to pay for these things. Awesome. I love you. But we still can only allow X items at once. Our store happens to be 3. I will gladly hold all of the rest of your items at my register and switch out with stuff you have tried on until you are finished. It's a loss prevention thing. Nothing personal, just LP is taken very seriously and any violation of those policies can cost an associate their job. But for the love of Pete And Pete, don't come out with all three on and go "I'm going to take these! Can I have three more to try on?" It does not work that way. Take the clothes you like off, hand them to me, and I will give you more.
You want your BFF's opinion? I understand hat. But they can't come in the fitting room with you. We have a strict 1 person at a time policy, again LP thing, and the only exception we make is when it's a parent and a child. Sure, we'll let it slide if your friend needs to come in and zip up a dress for you, as long and they scoot right back out of there. Don't you dare give me the bitch face when I come over, knock on the door and ask the second person to get out. I am just doing my job and if you want to be a bitch, I will gladly make sure the process sucks just as much for you as it does for me to deal with you.
Want to go in the fitting room with your girlfriend to "help her try things on"? Go take a cold fucking shower and get the shit out of my store. You are disgusting. And don't try to be cute about it when I tell you no. Don't ask me 12 more times. I will, and have, personally escort you out of my store and not allow you back in for the day. Kids use that fitting room. Older women. Would you cum on your grandmother's living room floor? Or your child's bed? No? That's disgusting you say? Well then what makes it so acceptable to do in my fucking fitting room? Would you clean up someone else's sex drippings for minimum wage? For any wage even? No? Surprise! Me either! I will give you our spray cleaner and a roll of paper towels and make you clean it while we wait for security.
Oh hey! Do you smell bad? Please take a shower before trying on our clothes. Other people are going to buy them when you don't and that's just gross. Also you make the ENTIRE ROOM smell of rotting flesh and unwashed genitals. No one likes that. No one. And guess who gets to fabreeze it. My minimum wage paid ass. Fuck you smelly person. Actually, no. Fuck yourself because you are NASTY.
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