Why we try to get you to spend more money

Whoops, I'm a little late getting this one up. Sorry guys! Work has been a bit crazy and I have less and less free time lately. I'm going to drop this down to once a week posts on Thursdays from now on so I can write better posts over the course of a week instead of making sure I get them done and out on time.

Anywho... Upselling. Yes. Personally, I don't really mind upselling and I'm good enough at it to be effective. As a customer however, I kind of hate it. But I get why it's done. Just about every store ever has daily goals. Let's say for example we have to sell $1000 of product a day. Just for Easy Math sake. We're open for 10 hours, so Corporate expects sales at an average rate of $100 per hour. Cool. Not terribly hard. But here's the kicker. They want our average amount per transaction to be ABOVE $30 dollars, and the average items per transaction to be above 3 or 4 depending on the time of year.

If I end my day with an average dollar amount of $20, and item amount of 1.5, I get reamed out the next morning by my DM. Whether it was my fault or not. So when someone gets to my register with one $0.99 item, I push things on them HARD. Because I hate getting yelled at for doing my job. I could be having a great day, with numbers of $55 and 9 and then someone comes in and buys that one item for a buck and my numbers fall to like $42 and 7. Then another small sale. Now I'm down to $20 and 5. So now I get yelled at.

I know it's hard to comprehend if you've never been on my side of the register, but for some reason, if I don't hit our sales goal of $1000, but my numbers at night are 50 and 10, I am in less trouble than if I exceed my sales goal but my numbers are $10 and 1. It makes no logical sense. But that is what all might Corporate has deemed to be right. So that's what we follow. And really, you have to TRY not to spend over $30 in my store. It's relatively easy to get up that high.

But Elle!! You're stealing my hard earned money when you talk me into buying more items!!!!
Actually, no. I've been in retail long enough to know when a person can and can't afford that extra 3 bucks. If I know you can't, I don't push the sale. In fact, I may see if I can work in a sale and lower the price for you. Because even though I work in retail, I am a very nice person. I want all my customers to be happy and know that they're important to me. (At least on some level. Some of my regulars I hate, but they spend a lot of money so I appreciate that at least.) When I upsell you to hit those goals laid out for me, what I'm really doing is insuring I have hours next week.

WARNING: BIG OL' RETAIL SECRET AHEAD.

We actually base how many hours we get to schedule employees, based off of our sales. When we miss sales goals, we have to cut hours. Which means smaller paychecks. And sad employees. Who can barely afford to eat food, let alone get to work. And those who sell the best, get the best hours. In case you haven't picked up on it, I'm not a teenager that works in retail. I'm a bonafide adult with adult expenses who just happens to love this field. I have a mortgage. A car loan. Insurance. Credit cards. Grocery bills. Utilities. Etc. I work for freaking $8 per hour. Now I know that if I work a minimum of X hours per week I can take care of my share of the bills for the house every month. But, if we had such a terrible week that there isn't X hours for me to work, just a measly X-10 hours, I'm boned. I'm either not eating, not getting to work, or not having a phone that month.

My sales numbers DIRECTLY impact my pay. I might work for a giant company, but that doesn't mean it's not like supporting the local guy. We have at least three of our company's stores in my city. But choosing store A over B or C makes a difference. The employees over at A are going to get all the hours you made possible instead of store B or C. The money doesn't all just go to Corporate to dole out in an even fashion to all the employees. We have to earn those hours and paychecks every day. So when I pitch our sale at you, and it's only an extra $5... Go for it. If everyone I cashed out in a day added on $5, there would be 10 - 20 hours available to pick up. More hours available means more work and bigger paychecks. Bigger paychecks means more spending and more spending means it boosts the economy. Seriously. Save the economy. Listen to Upselling.

Just cuz I'm paid to be nice to you, doesn't mean you're not a fucking creep.

Let me tell you guys, we're not allowed to be mean to anyone. And that's probably why a lot of you treat us like shit when we tell you no. Retail has become so focused on not upsetting a single person, that our return policies only hold up if the customer wants it to. It's ridiculous. Last night was my shift from hell. Unfortunately we have no hours right now which means barely any coverage, so our breaks are taken very close to the beginning/end of our shifts depending on when we (and the only other person working that day) come in. That's pretty sucky but not the worst. I've dealt with worse.

But on top of really no breaks, being alone all night and having to change signs on top of everything, having my printer shit the bed so I can't even print the signs but have to HAND MAKE THEM, my POS computer going down (pun entirely intended), I also spent 2 hours with a fucking creeper who would not leave me alone. And it's somehow become unacceptable to call security as a female alone in a store because some dude is being inappropriate but you're not in danger. Ladies, you know that balance of creepy.

Homeboy comes in, touches EVERYTHING and then starts asking me a million questions because he wants to know more about "pop culture". Go out in the fucking world. Turn on a tv, computer, or radio and you will learn just fine. What did you just get out of prison? You sir, have the weirdest vibe I have ever been near and I really hope I never see you again. He asked about some music related accessories we sold and then asked about a sweatband. You know, those stretchy things that go on your wrist for wiping sweat off your forehead? Suggestively asking if he even "wanted to know what part of the body you wear this on".

Now, let's take a break from this while everyone vomits. It's okay, I understand. But allow me to paint you a picture. I am the only employee in the store. I have about  customers in there, and I am doing my best to help all of them in a timely fashion. For the most part, everyone is sympathetic. I am also on and off the phone with our IT desk trying to get my shit to work. But people are still graciously putting up with it. One guy even offered to wait until my computer was repaired to cash out, instead of me putting Mr. IT Guy on hold for 30 seconds to take care of him. Seriously, most of you last night were great. Now, while I'm on and off that phone, I'm up and down rooting around in the bowels of our cashwrap, unplugging and hard resetting things according to IT Guy's instructions. I'm covered in dirt and dust, probably crying a little, and counting the minutes until I can go home and booze up. AND THIS DUDE IS HINTING AT HIS AWKWARD FUCKING PENIS AT ME. Even if we were in the parallel universe where I was single, and possibly interested in his socially awkward, late 30's, acne ridden self... How the fuck is that the time to make a pass like that?

And then. THEN. He goes to squeal, yes, SQUEAL over shit for little girls. Oh hi, I'm pretty sure you're a pedophile now. Why are you out in public with children about? Ugh. This dude seriously made my skin crawl. I can't even put in to words the creepy he was. And at the end, he bought nothing. Not even a 99 cent item. I'm not saying you have to spend money when you come in, but if you're an asshole in any way, shape, or form, you best to be spending money here or I will remember your face and I will not be as graciously helpful next time.

Don't want that item? Here's what to do with it! or "I am not a coat rack!"

Walk in to any retail store and you will see a sea of neatly, mysteriously folded shirts and pants. We all fold our own clothes at home, but retail folding is a magic process with folds, stickers, and creases that make no sense to the average consumer. And we know that. We don't ever expect you to fold our clothes properly. Some stores even use shirt boards so there's no way you could get it right on your own. And we're totally okay with that. But we are NOT okay with is what you do next.

Some of you will decide you don't want a shirt. Say it's a blue shirt with an elephant on it in a medium. You fold it the way you would at home, put it on top of a completely different shirt, and go about your shopping. Then 10 minutes later, re-think that choice so you go back to Blue Elephant Shirt Display. Grab another medium, even though the one you left earlier is 5 feet away. You get to the other side of the store, decide that no, you REALLY don't want it, and leave it mushed between our shoes. Cool. You're about to check out and go "Man, I really want that Blue Elephant shirt. I'm gonna go get it for realsies now." So you go back a third time. Low and behold.... No mediums left. (This may or may not be because you have strewn them all over my store.) So you ask an employee to help you out. If this is you, please go read the previous entry and then come back here. I'll wait. Good, now what did we learn?

Then there are the people who I refer to as the third type of people. I always used to believe that there were two types of people in this world. Good people, and bad people. Then I started in retail. There are people who will decide they don't want an article of clothing, which is totally okay, put it back in the correct location, but put it there, balled up, wedged between the bottom two items in the stack. Sometimes we won't find that for DAYS and now it is too wrinkled to fold and get out on the floor. There is a special circle reserved in hell for these people. Seriously. There is someone right next to our shirts, folding ones people didn't want, almost all fucking day. The need of shirts to be folded keeps at LEAST 3 of my cashiers employed. What the fuck do you think is going to happen if you just gave it to one of us and said you didn't want it? Or nicely placed it back where you got it from? Do you think we would yell at you? Or maybe just fucking smile and say "Oh don't worry I'll take care of it!" I'll give you a hint. We don't mind putting shit back the right way.

I suppose there's also the people who try so very hard to figure out our strange shirt folding ways. I love these people. I wish I could discount their purchases when they do that. I always come over and say "oh don't worry I'll take that!" and I always hear one of two things. Either "Oh no it's okay I wanna do it" and I love that, or "I've worked in retail, I know I can do this!" and we love that too. But really, we'd rather just refold ourselves because all stores have different standards. Your folds might be super awesome, but they're not our folds and we need consistency in our store. I still love you, I won't stop you, and I will just wish I could give you a discount without getting in trouble all day.

And for the love of all that is holy, DON'T just shove shit at an employee grunting "I don't want these" and stomp away. We're people. Not coat racks. We're okay with you giving us things you don't want, and in fact, prefer that you do that so we can make sure they're folded or hung up properly, but respect us as people. Would you just shove things at your grandmother and stomp off? That would be rude you say? Bingo. It's still rude when you do it to us.

What we really have in the back.

To the average consumer, the back room of a store is a mystical and magical place filled with hundreds of every item our company has ever sold, in every size and color imaginable. Should an item not be on our shelves, it is surely in the back, which must be a well organized space with directions to where everything is kept and possibly run by elves. In reality, most back rooms are the size of a walk-in closet in a downtown Manhattan apartment. That is to say, really fucking small. And most have little to no product in them, just a break area, bathroom for employees, old signs, paperwork, and store fixtures we're not currently using. If we happen to have product, it's probably poorly organized at best.

I'm fortunate enough to work in a store that keeps what product we do have back there fairly organized. But due to the lack of stuff in there, I know without looking what we have and what we don't. So when someone comes in and asks if we have this clearance item in a 3X in the back, the answer is "Are you fucking crazy woman? That shirt is 6 months old and marked down to $0.99. You really think I have MORE in the back?" But what we say (with a smile mind you) is "Oh! Let me go look! I'll be right back!" and we go behind that employees only door. At this point we just stand there. Maybe we take a bathroom break, take a sip of a drink, fix our hair, etc. But it takes us all of half a second to look and go "Nope!".

Now, if we were to poke our head in the back, come back out and tell you "no", you'd accuse us of not looking or not wanting to help you. Oh dear Elle I would never!!! you might have just thought to yourself. Shut the fuck up. You have. This is something we learn early on in our retail careers. If we're entirely honest with customers, we will inevitably get yelled at by them. And it sucks. So we lie a little. All of us do. Especially about our backroom.

This past holiday season I was fortunate enough to work on Christmas Eve. I had a woman ask me for the SINGLE MOST POPULAR SHIRT we sold that season in a medium. All we had left were extra smalls. And because of the holiday rush, our backroom was a ghost town. Not a spot of product, save the overflow electronic items we keep locked up, was in there. I kindly as I could at 5pm on Christmas Eve at work in the mall told her that we had all of our product on the floor and did not have more in the back. I also explained it was a very popular style, and we barely managed to keep any on the shelves even though we got a new run of it almost every shipment. Well. That was not good enough for this woman. She bitched. And moaned. And bitched some more. What exactly am I supposed to do? I'm not some Taiwanese 3 year old in a sweatshop. (NOTE: Elle's Store™ does not employ sweatshop workers of the Taiwanese persuasion or any other. The previous sentence was just to make a point.) I can't make you a new shirt. If you needed it for your dear little Timmy and really wanted to make his Christmas this year, you would have thought about it more that 17 FUCKING HOURS BEFORE CHRISTMAS MORNING YOU FAT COW.

But of course, I can't tell you this because I would get fired. So I will smile sweetly and "double check in the back for you" which is to say, I will close the door, curse you out, take a drink of some nice Starbuck's coffee, and cry a little before going back out to tell you we do not, in fact, have more in the back. Just like I told you before the yelling.

Closed means we are CLOSED.

Oh this. Yes, this. Every retail employee has dealt with this at some point. During off hours inventory, or perhaps a remodel of your store, or even after 5 loudspeaker announcements that your store has been closed for upwards of 45 minutes. But still, there is some blue haired old bat banging down your door or some overly self entitled mommy still wandering the isles like our clocks follow her exact schedule.

So in case you weren't aware, stores have a specific schedule of when they are open and when they are closed. And when someone is working until close, they get to go home after closing. We don't sleep at our jobs and REALLY want to go the FUCK home when we're done. So when we announce that we're closed, we understand you might be at the furthest corner of our store still shopping. We don't have clocks around the store and maybe time got away from you. It's okay. We'll wait 5 minutes. We're okay with that. But when we make the announcement that we've been closed for HALF AN HOUR we fucking haaaaaaaate yooooouuuuu.

We only get like 30 minutes to close the store after hours. So now as your fat ass lollygags it's way up to the front end, I should be lighting my celebratory end of day cigarette and getting in to my shiny little sports car with my bass up far too loud as I blast the hell out of offensive music. But no. I am STILL at my register, asking if you found everything okay and if you have a fucking rewards card. And I still have 30 minutes of paperwork to do after you leave. Really, it's okay. I didn't want to get home anytime before my boyfriend (who works opposite hours from me) goes to sleep. It's fine I swear.

Oh and now, I'm over on my hours! And with out a supervisor's permission to be over the time I was scheduled, I get in trouble! Cool! Now I have to figure out how to spread out 47 extra minutes of break time over 2 days in a way that doesn't screw the rest of my coworkers. See corporate REALLY hates paying overtime. To the point that I could work THREE 13 hour shifts and not get a cent of over time because I'd end my week at 39 hours. I don't get overtime till I pass 40 hours. Not 8 hours in a day. 40 hours in a week. Man I hate corporate sometimes.

And then there are the old people who don't understand being closed. At one point in my current career as register monkey, my store had a remodel. Remodels are kind of awesome because you get a pristine store for all of 30 seconds, and get to spend 3 days or so working without talking to a single customer (in theory). But they suck because we literally had to move our store into a new location and back again when the remodel was done. At this particular location, we had a total glass front and two giant glass doors as our front that looked out into the mall. So we did the sensible thing and bought a HUGE roll of brown paper, cut it to fit the windows and doors, and wrote on the paper in HUGE letters "CLOSED FOR REMODEL. WILL REOPEN THE WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING". (No, I am not making that up. We opened our newly remodeled store the day before Thanksgiving because clearly nothing would go wrong with it and we would have a smooth Black Friday with all new everything. But that's a story for another week.)

Of course, we couldn't lock the doors because we were constantly going in and out to get product and fixtures and what not to set up the new store. About once and hour, some moron open the door, tried to walk in and either asked if we were open, or yelled at us for keeping such a messy store. Now, for our remodel, we not only had our full staff there everyday, but our DM, RM, and some members of corporate to help. For those of you playing the home game, I have a temper and a mouth. I could only take so many of these idiots before I lost it. And that was the third and final day of our remodel adventure. Some old lady barges in, complaining about god knows what, and asks if we're even open. Oh man, here I go.

I start to scream at her, in front of everyone who could fire me, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE FUCKING OPEN? IS ANYONE IN UNIFORM? IS PRODUCT ON THE SHELVES? IS THERE NOT A BIG FUCKING SIGN THAT READS CLOSED ON OUR FUCKING DOOR? ARE YOU STUPID OR ILLITERATE?" And that went on for a good minute and a half before she left in shame. My DM marched over and started saying some shit about customer service so I pointed out she wasn't a customer, I was on my 30th hour of work in 3 days, and to suck my dick I was so over it. Our DM wasn't unreasonable, noticed everyone else felt how I was acting, and made the glorious decision to treat everyone to coffee, donuts, and pizza. It's been 3 years since that incident and I still have my job, without being written up for that episode.

If you have kids over the age of 14, you're going to want to read this:

Parents? I'm looking at you today. I think back to my childhood and realize that at 16, I was better behaved than most 22 year olds today. So what exactly are you teaching your kids now? To be condescending little shits when we tell them that no, we can't in fact take your parent's credit card that has "see ID" written on the back without said parent present and their ID? Or perhaps it is to steal from businesses? Or possibly to throw our items on the floor then spit your gum into them so we lose money on damaged items? Or maybe is it to completely ignore anyone and everyone in their general area and then lose their minds when informed of rules/sales/anything?

What's that I hear you thinking? "My kid would never act like that, s/he's unique little sunflower that most people just don't 'get'."? Yeah. No they're not. When you're not around, they are disrespectful little fucks and I'm willing to bet money they're the same around you but you're too fucking blind to see it. Man if I pulled half the shit I see these teens do on a regular basis, my mother would have smacked me good.

If I had a dollar for every time a teenager rolled their eyes at me for doing my job during the month, I'd have enough to pay my freaking mortgage. "Do you have our rewards card?" "UGH NO. *rolls eyes* I just wanna get new shoesssssssssssss." Cool bitch. Most of the time, if you have our card, you get a discount on your purchase. Sorry I'm trying to save you fucking money. How about I just ignore your attitude and continue. "Your total is $73.86!" "WHAAAAAAAAT? THE SIGN SAYS REWARDS MEMBERS GET 20% OFF!!!!" Yes, it does. But you don't have a rewards card you dumb little shit. I know because I fucking asked you for it and you gave me a shit attitude. I don't get paid enough to deal with this bullshit. And no, I don't have a card I can scan for you. So suck it.

And on the reverse of that, parents: when your kids are about 15/16, it's time to step off a little. For example, they know what size pants they wear. This past weekend I had a "regular" come in for jeans. He and his mom come in once every month or so for clothes and they always have "that argument". The mom clearly doesn't like what he buys, but by my best guess, the kid is 17 and I have never seen him dressed in a way that wasn't acceptable for church so... I think he's doing alright in the getting dressed department mom! But he prefers the "skinny" jeans for guys. His mom asks for more styles in a 34x32 and so I go find some. He asks to try them on and we get halfway to the fitting room and he sighs and goes "I wear a 32x32. My mom doesn't understand they are supposed to be fitted and these are going to fall off of me." I had to covertly sneak this poor kid the jeans he liked in his size while his mother HOVERED around the door to the fitting room to make sure he bought the size she wanted.

I'm not quite sure which is worse. Parents that let their kids treat people who are working like dirt, or parents that have wonderful, respectful children and cannot fucking cut the cord. I mean, neither is something I like dealing with and I have to wonder, what exactly have you been doing for the past 2 decades? Whatever it is, you need to evaluate that shit and fast.

Fitting room etiquette

Our fitting room is my least favorite thing in our store. Mostly I wish we didn't have it because there are very few people who understand how it works. We are a smaller store. We clearly have ONE single fitting room available. And it is always locked. There are a few reasons for this. Partly to prevent stealing, we keep an eye on the room, know when someone goes in, and are sure of what they went in with versus what comes out. Partly because we don't want 12 teenagers cramming in there to fawn for hours over themselves in different clothing taking selfies and what not while people who actually want to spend money are waiting to try the one item they love on. This is another part of retail no one seems to understand.

Okay, so you want to try 100 things on. You have all intentions of dropping money to pay for these things. Awesome. I love you. But we still can only allow X items at once. Our store happens to be 3. I will gladly hold all of the rest of your items at my register and switch out with stuff you have tried on until you are finished. It's a loss prevention thing. Nothing personal, just LP is taken very seriously and any violation of those policies can cost an associate their job. But for the love of Pete And Pete, don't come out with all three on and go "I'm going to take these! Can I have three more to try on?" It does not work that way. Take the clothes you like off, hand them to me, and I will give you more.

You want your BFF's opinion? I understand hat. But they can't come in the fitting room with you. We have a strict 1 person at a time policy, again LP thing, and the only exception we make is when it's a parent and a child. Sure, we'll let it slide if your friend needs to come in and zip up a dress for you, as long and they scoot right back out of there. Don't you dare give me the bitch face when I come over, knock on the door and ask the second person to get out. I am just doing my job and if you want to be a bitch, I will gladly make sure the process sucks just as much for you as it does for me to deal with you.

Want to go in the fitting room with your girlfriend to "help her try things on"? Go take a cold fucking shower and get the shit out of my store. You are disgusting. And don't try to be cute about it when I tell you no. Don't ask me 12 more times. I will, and have, personally escort you out of my store and not allow you back in for the day. Kids use that fitting room. Older women. Would you cum on your grandmother's living room floor? Or your child's bed? No? That's disgusting you say? Well then what makes it so acceptable to do in my fucking fitting room? Would you clean up someone else's sex drippings for minimum wage? For any wage even? No? Surprise! Me either! I will give you our spray cleaner and a roll of paper towels and make you clean it while we wait for security.


Oh hey! Do you smell bad? Please take a shower before trying on our clothes. Other people are going to buy them when you don't and that's just gross. Also you make the ENTIRE ROOM smell of rotting flesh and unwashed genitals. No one likes that. No one. And guess who gets to fabreeze it. My minimum wage paid ass. Fuck you smelly person. Actually, no. Fuck yourself because you are NASTY.

It isn't all bad, I swear.

I know this probably sounds like a ton of bitching, and you might be wondering why the HELL I still work there. It most certainly does suck a lot of the time, but one good customer/group of customers, can offset the shitty people for weeks on end. Seriously. Let me tell you about last night.

I was closing last night, not really in the mood to be working honestly but had to suck it up and go as my mortgage isn't going to pay itself. It was a slow day. REALLY slow day. And those are the worst. I have to be there for 8 hours. And I saw maybe 20 individual groups of people. Ugh. But this one group, oh man did I love them.

Two girls and three guys, two of which were clearly homosexual. Loud, funny, and slightly inappropriate the lot of them. Reminded me of my friends a bit. One of the fabulous boys comes over to buy some stuff and tells me about his life long crush on JTT. Yes I am showing my age, no I don't care. So I mention that I had heard JTT was making a comeback but couldn't remember what it was or where I had heard it. And then of course we discuss Macaulay Culkin like good little girls from the 90s. He scoots off to his group of friends again and I go about my work for the night. It's a sale change night so I have literally 100 things to get done in 30 minutes after we close, so I'm doing as much ahead of time as I can.

One of the girls this lovely man was with (they were all lovely don't get me wrong, second favorite customers of my career) was trying to find a second item to take advantage of our sale, and was looking at one of the 6 items that wasn't included in it. I go to inform her of that, and walk in on totally inappropriate jokes about gay sex. I mean, from creepy people, I'd have been asking them to leave, but these guys were not creepy and just clearly having a great time. They retold the joke for me, I laughed with them, and we all started talking about life and stuff.

Finally they're ready to check out, and ALL of them come to the register. Chaos. Beautiful yelling, shouting chaos. Both from my customers and from me. Fortunately I have a little wiggle room with professional image considering where I work, so if I'm joking around loudly with a customer, it's not really anything out of line.

These guys ended up spending 4 times what they had originally came in for, didn't give any fucks, and offered to buy me dinner on my break for being so awesome. I declined since I have a crazy person diet, but told them where I hang out on my days off because really I'd love to be able to tell them off the clock how freaking amazing they were. Or hug them. Or something.

And guys, if you ever find this, I told you that you were all going in my blog!!

Flirting with the sales girl 101

So you came in and saw this pretty girl smile at you, giggle at your jokes, and flirt with you a little. You think you might have a shot huh? Sorry, 9 times out of 10 that's a big old nope. A nope and a half even. See we're WORKING. Our job is to get you to spend money, and men are simple, simple creatures. Wanna compliment us? Awesome. We do love compliments. And we probably think you're an okay guy. But then you go too far and we really just want to punch you. Seriously.

What shouldn't you do? Here is a list:

• Touch us. Don't ever touch me. I don't know you and I don't get paid enough to tolerate unwanted touching. In fact, no one does. Have some manners. 

• Ask us to "help you try something on". Two words for that: Fucking. Disgusting. 

• Use inappropriate language. Would you want someone to say that to your sister/daughter? No? Don't say it to us. 

• Keep going when we're giving you clear "NO" signals. If I keep trying to talk away from you, you are probably creeping me right the fuck out and I have zero interest. This is not an invitation to follow me around and find new things to talk about as I am ringing out other customers. 

• Ask where we live/what our number is. If I want you to have either of those pieces of information, I will write it on the back of your receipt when you leave. Chances are I don't, but sometimes your sales girl is single and would like to see you again. She'll let you know. 

• Touch us. This warrants being said more than once. 

• If you have been flirting with us, and are buying tons of stuff to impress us and suddenly hear of a boyfriend or fiance, don't go put all that shit back and walk out with nothing. That just screams asshole and everyone remembers that. You're a scumbag. 

• And for the love of Pete and Pete, don't leer at us. We are forced to be here, can not escape, and there is nothing worse than being unable to flee a creepy dude at your job. I appreciate that you find me attractive, really. But have manners and class about it. I don't wanna finish my shift just dying to get home and scrub off three layers of skin because of the way you were looking at me. I am not a piece of meat. 

There was a guy who came in to my store a few days ago, asking if me or my manager had seen his friend. He said he was going to be in our store but wasn't answering his phone. While giving us a description of his friend he kept stopping to tell us we were "beautiful ladies". Compliments all around. And you know what? We really appreciated it. He stayed more than an arms length away from us at all times, and used respectful language. He at one point asked if our store only hired beautiful redheads to work there and I laughed and pointed at our large burly male cashier who is also a redhead and said yes and he took the joke so well and just kept rolling with it. It was so nice to be complimented in a non creepy way, my manager and I talked about it for the rest of the day. THAT boys, is how you flirt with the sales girl. 

Oh, I'm sorry, you must have misread my nametag. It does NOT say babysitter.

Oh I could talk about this for HOURS. I mean, I am not a fan of most small children. They're messy, dirty, smell, and make really high pitched noises that literally hurt my ears almost constantly. I don't find babies adorable, or anything toddlers do excusable because "oh they're just kids".

I was a kid. If I knocked over a whole display of jewelry in a store, I would get dragged right back to it by the back of the shirt, told to help the sales woman clean it up, then apologize and mean it, before being taken straight home for a talking to about behaving in public. A very few parents still operate this way. I have no idea why, but my generation flat out SUCKS at raising children. And even at just watching their own.

I get at least 3 young children unattended in my store on any given day. I don't mean like 12 young, which is still too young to be wandering the mall alone as far as I'm concerned. I'm talking like 6 and under young. They just walk in with no parent in tow, run around, touch everything with their sticky hands, and scream. AWESOME. I totally get paid enough to deal with that.

Or, on the other side of the coin, a woman walks in with her kids, ignores them the second they cross the threshold of our store, is far too involved in our lingerie section and by the time she remember she has a kid, I've watched it walk out and across the way to the Pretzel Shop trying to steal their pretzels because it's a kid. Now half of you are sitting there telling me I'm irresponsible and should have not let that kid run away. Guess what? I don't have children. So it's not my responsibility to watch them at all. Yes, I was keeping an eye on it, but for the protection of the child and not to assist the mother who clearly ignores the kid all the time. Should anyone have tried to take that kid, I would have been on their ass in a heart beat with security being called by a coworker from my store. But so long as the kid was safe, I don't care how scared the mother is. Watch your own children.

Nothing in our store is really kid friendly. We don't sell toys, we don't have a kids section, we do have some candy, but I don't think candy is a thing small children should be eating. So why, WHY do you let your kids come in here unattended and mess up everything? You don't want to come in here, I see you sitting on the bench 100 feet away yapping on your phone. Either come in with your kid, or your kid is getting sent back out. I am not responsible for anything that happens to unattended children because I am a cashier. I am not your babysitter. And I certainly won't help you parent. Don't wanna watch your own kids? A - Don't have them, B - Leave them home with someone. Or if none of those work for you, most malls have a babysitting service! Just ask at the customer service desk if they do daycare services, and some peppy young girl with sing and laugh and play with your kids while you shop without them.

Whatever you do, don't just let them wander in my store or forget they exist once you wander in. As far as I'm concerned, a mother who flat out FORGETS she has children because she is too excited about "clubwear" is not only a slut, but fucking scum of the earth. So do us all a favor and realize we're here to do our jobs, not watch your kids.

No, we are not an ATM, that is down the hall and free to use.

I don't know why, but for some reason there is an obnoxious amount of teenagers and younger 20-something's that only carry around large bills. I can't recall seeing as many hundreds and fifties as a kid as these kids just throw around. Good for them I suppose for having all that money, but there's a certain etiquette they have yet to pick up about spending those bills.

For the love of god, DON'T use a hundred dollar bill to buy an item that is $2. Especially when it's early in the day. Other people pay in cash and we need to make change for them too. We're not a bank. Not to mention, early on, we only have small bills and change in our drawer. Most tills don't have twenties in them until someone gives us one. Counting out $97.68 in fives and ones is a pain in the ass and fucks our drawer for the rest of the day.

And if you just want to break a bill, too bad. The second you ask us to break something when another customer buys and item, red flag. We're fairly convinced that shit is fake. Bring it to a bank. they will gladly give you twenties, tens, whatever you want, but we don't have that in our registers, and even if we did, it's not for you. There is an ATM literally 25 yards from our store in our mall, and a bank located in our parking lot. A full operating branch. Maybe a minute walk tops from the closest mall exit to us.

It's not just teens and young adults that do this though. They certainly are the majority, but a decent amount of adults do it too. A few weeks ago I had a very nice older woman in my store. She came up to my register to buy a clearance item that was maybe $3. I rang her in, gave her the total and she opened her wallet (that was packed with assorted bills mind you) and pulls out a hundred. I wince a little and ask her if she has anything smaller since I was pretty sure I didn't have any twenties in my drawer. It was about 3pm, and all the sales I had rang in that day were on a credit card. So I KNEW I had a till with 50 in singles, about 20 in change, and the rest in 5s.

This woman switches in a heart beat from super nice, to holy mother of god bitch in a second flat. And tells me "Don't lie to me you've sold stuff all day, now give me change for that!" Clearly, she is clairvoyant and can see the bills or lack there of I have been handed. But I have SEEN in her wallet tens, fives, and twenties. So I try again and explain all the sales have been on credit, and since I was the first one here, I know if I break that bill she is getting all fives back, maybe she has something smaller to pay with, or a credit card, or I'll give her the fives. She then gets belligerent and starts yelling at me to take money out of the other register to make change for her.

Let's stop right there. Hi. This is a business. We have rules. Every time that till opens is logged, and can not open without a sale or manager doing it manually. AND. At the end of the day, each drawer has to settle with itself. Not the entire store needs to be even. Being 5 bucks short on one till, and 5 over on the other doesn't cancel each other out. So no, I can't put the money from the sale at register A in the register for B and make change. Ever. If you are the nicest most pleasant customer in the history of retail, I may break bills to give you change out of another register, and lie on the paperwork for the manual open that register B needed pennies or something, but you have to be not only super nice, but spending a whole hell of a lot of money.

Back to our older woman. As I finished the transaction, she leaned over the counter and put her face in my till and started pointing in there to makes sure I wasn't lying or screwing up her money or something. I ended up getting screamed at for a few minutes because I gave her the change in fives and ones like I told her I would have to, and couldn't (because I like my job and my paycheck) tell her to get her fucking face and hands out of my money. This old bag was one of the biggest assholes I have met in all of retail.

We honestly don't care if we end our shift with mostly hundreds or mostly singles, but we need to know we have the right change for the rest of our shift. So if your cashier says they don't have enough twenties to break that bill, and you see two or three in the drawer, keep your mouth shut. There are other customers, some of which will pay appropriately for their things, and we need to make change for them. Yes they get preferential treatment for having manners, and I don't think I need to explain why.

Returns: How do they work?

I've probably returned a good 100 or so items I have purchased in my life. Half of those were probably exchanges. But even as a kid with zero work experience, I've managed to understand how it works. Maybe I'm too smart for this world, but I'd like to think that's not the case. I mean, I'm bright, but I'm no Einstein. I mean, I decided (for whatever reason) I do not want this item after all. I have my receipt still so I bring it back to the store. The cashier looks at my receipt, sees what I actually paid for the item, and I get that back either in the form of a refund or store credit towards another item. And then I go about my life. Seems so simple right? Then why do customers make it so hard on us? Maybe there's some sort of mystery surrounding this whole ordeal to the average customer. I will try to demystify it all for you.

Return VS Exchange: 

For some reason, I get customers that don't understand the difference. They will insist they just want to return an item, but 5 minutes later they are waiting in line again to buy the same item in a different size. That, my dear customer, should have been an exchange. Not only is doing one transaction easier for us, but it saves you time. And guess what! You can use that exchange towards ANYTHING we sell. Returning a dress because you decided not to go to that event? You can use it for new jewelry or some socks for your kid! We don't care! 

How your money is refunded:

So you bought this stuff with a credit card. That's fine, I have the ability to refund that money right back on the card! No big deal. But what I don't have the ability to do is refund your money in a different way than you paid. See all the transactions are stored in our system. Our computer will allow us to give store credit on anything, because we're not actually refunding any money and that's fine. But if you bought it with plastic, we can't refund it with paper money. There are a few reasons for this. First, it makes the paperwork easier for the poor soul at corporate who has to deal with all of these things. Second, you chose to pay this way. If you bought something with cash and later realize you're going to be overdrawn when your car insurance hits but you already spent the cash you had to cover it on stuff at my store, I feel bad for you, but it is not my job to correct your mistakes in life and refund money on to a card my store has never taken money off of. I just can't do it. And lastly, maybe most importantly, it is to protect you from fraud. Say someone comes in and purchases something using your credit card. Maybe $500 worth of merchandise. They come back later and want to return it all. For cash. No way. Never gonna happen. If we did, that money is gone forever. We're normally pretty awesome about checking cards to make sure they aren't stolen, but one or two could slip by us. 

Returning items you bought on sale:

Because of the state of our economy, a lot of stores have constantly changing "BOGO" sales. Every store does their receipts for these sales differently. If it's buy one, get one half off, some places spread the discount over both items and your receipt will show that. Some will only show the discount on one item. Here's the thing, regardless of how the receipt displays the discount, we all return the items the same way. So you bought 4 pairs of pants at $50 each. Full price would have been $200 but with the BOGO you got them for $150. Still with me? Good. You want to return pair number 3. That's fine, we can do that. But we have to adjust the price of the refund to remove the second BOGO you got. You will only be getting $25 back for that pair even though you paid $50 for it. If that makes sense to you, you are the customer every cashier wants. Go get yourself a snack and watch a movie. You don't need to be reading this anymore. To those still confused, allow me to explain. 

If I were to refund you that $50, you would have effectively bought one pair at the full $50 price, and gotten TWO pairs for $25. You would have gotten one half off for no reason. If we remove that discount, and only refund you the $25 then it was as if you only bought three pairs originally and only got the one discount you were owed. Why can't we just give you the $50? Because like most things I address here: THAT'S STEALING FROM US. No one here is trying to scam you out of money. We don't benefit from refunding you less than is fair. In fact, we can get FIRED for doing that. 

Returns without a receipt/tags, or Why I can't take your word that you paid $300 dollars for this: 

Sometimes, you lose or accidentally throw away receipts for things you wish to return. Hey man, that's okay. We can work something out. 99% that something is store credit for the current price of the item. That is the fairest way we have come up with doing it. Got a better idea? Please share it. I would welcome a way to deal with this that doesn't get me screamed at. Swearing to me you spent $50 on that t-shirt will get you nowhere. I know for a fact we don't sell a single t-shirt that is over $30 so I already know you're a liar. Your cashier is bound by corporate policy and physically can not change the price that it scans at. I mean, when you bought it you understood the prices are set in the computer. So how come when you return it you think we can magically give you more for it? Again: STEALING. 

And when it comes to tags, generally them being removed is a rd flag that they've been worn. Do you want to buy clothes some stranger has worn out somewhere and sweat into? No? Didn't think so. Don't be the scumbag that returns shit like that okay? 

Return Policy and why our managers sometimes ignore them: 

Take any receipt you have from a receipt trip to a clothing store. Turn it over. All those words there? That's our return policy. We know that bitch inside and out and don't care how you feel about it. There's nothing your cashier can do to make an exception. Now here's a secret. Most managers are allowed to override that policy in extreme cases. Like some 6'5" 300 pound man is screaming at their 5'1" 100 pound teenage girl cashier. A manager will give the dude a full refund in a heartbeat to GET HIM THE FUCK OUT of the store. Not because they want to or agree with you, because they want you gone NOW. And they will remember you. And they will hold it against you the next time you are in. They will never do that for you again, and will have security escort you out the next time you act like such a fool. Also, if you are screaming at some poor cashier because she is doing her job, you need to go home, take a long hard look in the mirror, and figure out why you are such an asshole. 

Cell phones and why they have no place in our store.

Or any store for that matter. Remember last week when we talked about ignoring employees and how we hate that? Yeah this is kind of like that. Sure, we all have cell phones. Sure, we all get important and emergency calls that we have to take right that minute. But what we don't have to do is scream into our cell phones in public about our spreading yeast infections. Especially at my register while I ring up your purchase.

My store, like most mall stores, has it's own music pumped in through speakers. Most of the time it's kept at a level that is loud enough to clearly hear the music, but still low enough that you can hear people who are speaking at a normal volume. So when you walk in to these tiny mall stores, screaming into your phone about your business, you are even more of a fool than you look if you think everyone isn't paying attention to the dumb shit you think is more important than everyone else and judging you for it.

Ever notice when you're in some stores on your phone, the music seems unnecessarily loud? Yeah, we turn it up if you're being excessively obnoxious. I don't really want to hear about your last abortion or how your boyfriend gave you herpes. Seriously. These are things you talk about IN PRIVATE. So yes, I will crank my stereo as loud as the mall itself allows in order to either get you out of my store with this nonsense, or hang up so I don't have to hear it. And every other customer in my store is aware of what I am doing. And supports it. Because they don't want to hear it either.

I mean, taking off my name tag, and sitting here as just a normal person, WHY????? Why do you need to talk about really private matters, in public, in a loud enough voice that people OUTSIDE of my store can hear you? Huh? What happened to the days of not airing your dirty laundry in public? When did that stop?

And let's take this lack of manners just one step further. When you are ready to pay for your things: Hang. Up. The. Damned. Phone. It's just common courtesy. I'm not standing here bullshitting with my coworkers about what we're doing later tonight and ignoring you. I'm giving you my full attention and I deserve the same respect. You are no better than I am. I promise. Or at the very least, tell your BFFL to hang on, put the phone down, finish the transaction and then continue your conversation. Your husband will still be a cheating bastard after you've paid for your things.

And sometimes, yes. The call is VERY important. Your child was seriously injured at school. Your spouse found out they are getting laid off. Someone died. It happens, and when it does, I will be more than understanding if you just slightly pull your attention away from the conversation, mouth "I'm sorry" at me, and try to keep up with what's happening so you can pay me at an appropriate time. I will quickly and silently ring up your things. Point at the total, run your card, and hand you a receipt mouthing the words "Thank you" as to not interrupt whatever major life thing is happening. And I won't mind. I've had things like that happen in my life, and sometimes I get the call just as I'm getting in line to check out. But I will not stand in front of some poor cashier, yelling over the music about how I think my husband knows I've been cheating on him with his brother, while I shove my debit card in that poor girl's face before she's even rang an item in. Not because I know her pain, because I am a decent human being.

The jokes every retail employee hates.

As a retail employee, I do enjoy when customers joke around with me. Honest. I appreciate humor. Know what's not funny though? Most of the things you end up saying.

Like when we ask if you found everything you were looking for or need anything else. For some reason, every dude over 30 replies with "I couldn't find the bag full of money" or some variation. OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THAT TO ME THIS HOUR. EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUGH TILL I PEE MY PANTS. It's not funny when you say it. It wasn't not funny the first time I heard it. It's never going to be funny. Are you expecting us to one day pull a giant bag of cash out from under the register and just hand it the fuck over to you? Don't you think if we had one of those laying around for the taking, we'd take it ourselves and be a little happier? No? Go ahead and keep making that joke, and I will go ahead and continue to assume you are an self-entitled fuckwit.

Then there's the half off joke. You know "Pants are half off? Which half? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA".

No. Just don't. There is nothing at all funny about that. Ever. There never was. And it also makes zero sense. Seriously? What does that even mean? Because I've heard it for years and still don't get why it's supposed to be funny or people feel compelled to say it.


And my favorite: "Oh it's not scanning? It must be free then!" Two words: Fuck. You. Why do you think letting you STEAL THINGS is funny? If they were free they would be labeled as such. Sometimes our computers malfunction. Sometimes barcodes are partially missing. Sometimes our inventory glitches out. Whatever. This is easy enough for us to fix. Sometimes we may need to go as far as to call a manager to go get the proper sku number for us to key in but that's about it. Yes, it might take a few minutes sometimes, but really, it's a matter of finding the same item or searching our inventory for the item and getting that bad boy in there. But you, you customer you, you thinking it's funny to suggest we let you steal things from our store. My job is partly to prevent stealing. And if I was allowed I would deny the sale to every asshole that made that joke at my register.

Last but not least, when we check a large bill to make sure it's real, don't joke that it's good because you "just printed them this morning". Know why we check them? Fake bills aren't money. The second I hear that, I double and even triple check bills because, well, a lot of people are assholes and I have gotten fake bills before. Do you walk in a bank and jokingly say "just put all the money in a bag and no one gets hurt"? No. Why? Because you will be tackled to the ground in heartbeat and restrained until cops arrive. Just because I don't have an armed guard doesn't mean I am not JUST as suspicious of your money as a bank teller would be. Know where the money comes from if I accidentally accept a fake bill? My pocket. I am 100% responsible for the money in my drawer. If I fuck that up, I can lose my job. Man, I'm sure my family would be thrilled if my paycheck disappeared over some asshole giving me counterfeit money. So yes, I'm going to double check your bills when you say that, since you clearly are an asshole and I want to keep my job.

You want to make us smile? Laugh even? Tell us a real joke. Ask how our day is going. We're probably having a rough shift and the smallest bit of human decency can turn that right around. Seriously. I could have just been assaulted by an angry mother because we don't have the hot item of the season at 4pm on Christmas Eve, and if my next customer just smiled at me and wished me a good night, the previous woman wouldn't even matter because those good customers are SO rare that we cherish them. Joking about stealing, however, makes me really want to ball up my fist, extend my arm, and punch you right in the eye.

Why I hate you when you ignore me.

Ever walk into a store and hear some employee yell "I'm fine too thanks"? Yeah. We call you out when you ignore us. I know how old it gets to be greeted by some cheerful employee at every door in the mall, asking how you're doing and making sure you know about any current sales. How do I know? Because it gets even older having to tell over 500 people a day what our sales are and ask them how they are doing.

But we are REQUIRED to say hi to every single moron that walks through the door. If I don't, I get written up. I mean, I really don't care too much how your day was but I also don't want to be treated like I don't exist or am the BIGGEST INTERRUPTION to your day. Hi. I'm a person. I deserve a basic amount of respect and human decency. Shoving your hand in my face or condescendingly telling me you can read when I tell you the promo is nothing more than a lack of basic manners and means you're probably generally a terrible person. I am well aware we have 47 signs hanging from the ceiling about the sale. I hung them all with fishing line teetering on the top of a 10 foot ladder the previous night to hang them and almost died. Twice. But more than half the people that come up to the register go "OMG I HAD NO IDEA THESE WERE ON SALE!!" when we ask if they'd like to take advantage of the promo. So no, you're not reading the signs, and double no, you're not listening to a word anyone else says. 

Another reason we verbally try to make our customers aware of the promos is because you guys can't fucking read. Sign says "Buy one, get one at 50% off" and then below that in smaller letters "Of equal or lesser value". This means exactly what it says. It does not mean if you purchase a $2 item and a $50 item you get the $50 item for half off. Don't be a fucking cheapskate. We're not stupid and neither are you. You are trying to scam my company out of money which indirectly is scamming me out of my paycheck. It also does not mean because they are on sale you get the second one free. Or that all items are 50% off. Or anything else. If there are signs by the shirts, it is the shirts that are on sale. Not our shoes. Or pants. Or dresses. Those are not marked on sale. Just the shirts. Don't be a fucking dumbass. Use your eyes and your brain. You were gifted with both so make good use of them.

Also, seriously, it's rude to just flat out ignore another person. But the second you need help it is unacceptable we're finishing up the transaction we're in the middle of and won't leave our register to get you that shirt in a larger size right away. It goes both ways guys. Treat me with kindness and respect, and I will bend over backwards for you. Treat me like dirt however, and I will do as little as I can to help you and not get in trouble with my boss. 

No, I don't work here because I can't find anything else, I work here because I enjoy it.

Here I am in our break/stock/bathroom, leeching free wifi from our cellular sales neighbors because something about the walls in our back room blocks out any semblance of a cell signal. After spending the past 4 hours being ignored, lied to, screamed at, and berated by strangers I am allowed 30 minutes of peace before facing another four of the same for a minimum wage paycheck.  And in this 30 minutes I not only have to venture to the food court to buy my meal, but eat it, use the bathroom, pop outside for a smoke, and find 2 minutes of peace and quiet. Sounds like the day from hell doesn't it? No. Just a normal shift in retail. In fact, one of the better ones.

I have over a decade of experience working various customer service based jobs. Over this time I have learned that there are three types of customers. Ones who have done my job (or one similar), ones who never have worked in any form of customer service, and morons/assholes. And I realized that the worst ones tend to fall into group B. Maybe by sharing what this job actually entails, some people might learn how to act when in a store.

Most of the time I am treated by these customers like I am worthless. Less than human even. I can only assume they think that I work this "shitty" job because I have zero skills in life based on how they treat me some days. Let me explain how wrong that is. First off, I have two degrees. Not one, two. I also own my own business, house, and car. And I probably am financially better off that a good 90% of my customers. I don't work this job because I can't find anything better, I work in retail because I honestly love it. I love meeting different people, I love being social, I love helping someone put together an outfit they love, or digging out the last one in their size from the back so they can have the article of clothing they've been lusting over since three pay checks ago. And I am damn good at what I do. I am quick with numbers and can calculate in my head the total of your order including tax and discounts before ringing it all in. I know what looks good on people, I know how our sizes run, and I know just by looking at you and what you're carrying to the fitting room if you will buy that item or realize that you are not in fact still a size extra small after having 3 kids when you look in the mirror.

That guy in that store with the name tag? He's a person. With feelings, dreams, and goals. And probably a better moral fiber than all of his customers combined. He has a family, maybe kids, who would love to see him come home less than exhausted one day because people screamed at him for not taking back their obviously well worn clothing and he'll lose his job if he opens his mouth. See, even loving my job, I come home and drink. I can't imagine the hell this industry must be for those of us who are just passing through, trying to make ends meet while finishing school, or taking whatever they can get because they were laid off from the job of their dreams.

So, you work in retail? Sit back, relax, and share in the insanity we all have to deal with. Never worked in retail before? Get yourself a pen and a notebook and get ready to take some notes. I'll explain to you why we act the way we do, why we hate you, why we love you, and how to change all of it.