The jokes every retail employee hates.

As a retail employee, I do enjoy when customers joke around with me. Honest. I appreciate humor. Know what's not funny though? Most of the things you end up saying.

Like when we ask if you found everything you were looking for or need anything else. For some reason, every dude over 30 replies with "I couldn't find the bag full of money" or some variation. OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THAT TO ME THIS HOUR. EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUGH TILL I PEE MY PANTS. It's not funny when you say it. It wasn't not funny the first time I heard it. It's never going to be funny. Are you expecting us to one day pull a giant bag of cash out from under the register and just hand it the fuck over to you? Don't you think if we had one of those laying around for the taking, we'd take it ourselves and be a little happier? No? Go ahead and keep making that joke, and I will go ahead and continue to assume you are an self-entitled fuckwit.

Then there's the half off joke. You know "Pants are half off? Which half? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA".

No. Just don't. There is nothing at all funny about that. Ever. There never was. And it also makes zero sense. Seriously? What does that even mean? Because I've heard it for years and still don't get why it's supposed to be funny or people feel compelled to say it.


And my favorite: "Oh it's not scanning? It must be free then!" Two words: Fuck. You. Why do you think letting you STEAL THINGS is funny? If they were free they would be labeled as such. Sometimes our computers malfunction. Sometimes barcodes are partially missing. Sometimes our inventory glitches out. Whatever. This is easy enough for us to fix. Sometimes we may need to go as far as to call a manager to go get the proper sku number for us to key in but that's about it. Yes, it might take a few minutes sometimes, but really, it's a matter of finding the same item or searching our inventory for the item and getting that bad boy in there. But you, you customer you, you thinking it's funny to suggest we let you steal things from our store. My job is partly to prevent stealing. And if I was allowed I would deny the sale to every asshole that made that joke at my register.

Last but not least, when we check a large bill to make sure it's real, don't joke that it's good because you "just printed them this morning". Know why we check them? Fake bills aren't money. The second I hear that, I double and even triple check bills because, well, a lot of people are assholes and I have gotten fake bills before. Do you walk in a bank and jokingly say "just put all the money in a bag and no one gets hurt"? No. Why? Because you will be tackled to the ground in heartbeat and restrained until cops arrive. Just because I don't have an armed guard doesn't mean I am not JUST as suspicious of your money as a bank teller would be. Know where the money comes from if I accidentally accept a fake bill? My pocket. I am 100% responsible for the money in my drawer. If I fuck that up, I can lose my job. Man, I'm sure my family would be thrilled if my paycheck disappeared over some asshole giving me counterfeit money. So yes, I'm going to double check your bills when you say that, since you clearly are an asshole and I want to keep my job.

You want to make us smile? Laugh even? Tell us a real joke. Ask how our day is going. We're probably having a rough shift and the smallest bit of human decency can turn that right around. Seriously. I could have just been assaulted by an angry mother because we don't have the hot item of the season at 4pm on Christmas Eve, and if my next customer just smiled at me and wished me a good night, the previous woman wouldn't even matter because those good customers are SO rare that we cherish them. Joking about stealing, however, makes me really want to ball up my fist, extend my arm, and punch you right in the eye.

Why I hate you when you ignore me.

Ever walk into a store and hear some employee yell "I'm fine too thanks"? Yeah. We call you out when you ignore us. I know how old it gets to be greeted by some cheerful employee at every door in the mall, asking how you're doing and making sure you know about any current sales. How do I know? Because it gets even older having to tell over 500 people a day what our sales are and ask them how they are doing.

But we are REQUIRED to say hi to every single moron that walks through the door. If I don't, I get written up. I mean, I really don't care too much how your day was but I also don't want to be treated like I don't exist or am the BIGGEST INTERRUPTION to your day. Hi. I'm a person. I deserve a basic amount of respect and human decency. Shoving your hand in my face or condescendingly telling me you can read when I tell you the promo is nothing more than a lack of basic manners and means you're probably generally a terrible person. I am well aware we have 47 signs hanging from the ceiling about the sale. I hung them all with fishing line teetering on the top of a 10 foot ladder the previous night to hang them and almost died. Twice. But more than half the people that come up to the register go "OMG I HAD NO IDEA THESE WERE ON SALE!!" when we ask if they'd like to take advantage of the promo. So no, you're not reading the signs, and double no, you're not listening to a word anyone else says. 

Another reason we verbally try to make our customers aware of the promos is because you guys can't fucking read. Sign says "Buy one, get one at 50% off" and then below that in smaller letters "Of equal or lesser value". This means exactly what it says. It does not mean if you purchase a $2 item and a $50 item you get the $50 item for half off. Don't be a fucking cheapskate. We're not stupid and neither are you. You are trying to scam my company out of money which indirectly is scamming me out of my paycheck. It also does not mean because they are on sale you get the second one free. Or that all items are 50% off. Or anything else. If there are signs by the shirts, it is the shirts that are on sale. Not our shoes. Or pants. Or dresses. Those are not marked on sale. Just the shirts. Don't be a fucking dumbass. Use your eyes and your brain. You were gifted with both so make good use of them.

Also, seriously, it's rude to just flat out ignore another person. But the second you need help it is unacceptable we're finishing up the transaction we're in the middle of and won't leave our register to get you that shirt in a larger size right away. It goes both ways guys. Treat me with kindness and respect, and I will bend over backwards for you. Treat me like dirt however, and I will do as little as I can to help you and not get in trouble with my boss. 

No, I don't work here because I can't find anything else, I work here because I enjoy it.

Here I am in our break/stock/bathroom, leeching free wifi from our cellular sales neighbors because something about the walls in our back room blocks out any semblance of a cell signal. After spending the past 4 hours being ignored, lied to, screamed at, and berated by strangers I am allowed 30 minutes of peace before facing another four of the same for a minimum wage paycheck.  And in this 30 minutes I not only have to venture to the food court to buy my meal, but eat it, use the bathroom, pop outside for a smoke, and find 2 minutes of peace and quiet. Sounds like the day from hell doesn't it? No. Just a normal shift in retail. In fact, one of the better ones.

I have over a decade of experience working various customer service based jobs. Over this time I have learned that there are three types of customers. Ones who have done my job (or one similar), ones who never have worked in any form of customer service, and morons/assholes. And I realized that the worst ones tend to fall into group B. Maybe by sharing what this job actually entails, some people might learn how to act when in a store.

Most of the time I am treated by these customers like I am worthless. Less than human even. I can only assume they think that I work this "shitty" job because I have zero skills in life based on how they treat me some days. Let me explain how wrong that is. First off, I have two degrees. Not one, two. I also own my own business, house, and car. And I probably am financially better off that a good 90% of my customers. I don't work this job because I can't find anything better, I work in retail because I honestly love it. I love meeting different people, I love being social, I love helping someone put together an outfit they love, or digging out the last one in their size from the back so they can have the article of clothing they've been lusting over since three pay checks ago. And I am damn good at what I do. I am quick with numbers and can calculate in my head the total of your order including tax and discounts before ringing it all in. I know what looks good on people, I know how our sizes run, and I know just by looking at you and what you're carrying to the fitting room if you will buy that item or realize that you are not in fact still a size extra small after having 3 kids when you look in the mirror.

That guy in that store with the name tag? He's a person. With feelings, dreams, and goals. And probably a better moral fiber than all of his customers combined. He has a family, maybe kids, who would love to see him come home less than exhausted one day because people screamed at him for not taking back their obviously well worn clothing and he'll lose his job if he opens his mouth. See, even loving my job, I come home and drink. I can't imagine the hell this industry must be for those of us who are just passing through, trying to make ends meet while finishing school, or taking whatever they can get because they were laid off from the job of their dreams.

So, you work in retail? Sit back, relax, and share in the insanity we all have to deal with. Never worked in retail before? Get yourself a pen and a notebook and get ready to take some notes. I'll explain to you why we act the way we do, why we hate you, why we love you, and how to change all of it.