As a retail employee, I do enjoy when customers joke around with me. Honest. I appreciate humor. Know what's not funny though? Most of the things you end up saying.
Like when we ask if you found everything you were looking for or need anything else. For some reason, every dude over 30 replies with "I couldn't find the bag full of money" or some variation. OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THAT TO ME THIS HOUR. EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUGH TILL I PEE MY PANTS. It's not funny when you say it. It wasn't not funny the first time I heard it. It's never going to be funny. Are you expecting us to one day pull a giant bag of cash out from under the register and just hand it the fuck over to you? Don't you think if we had one of those laying around for the taking, we'd take it ourselves and be a little happier? No? Go ahead and keep making that joke, and I will go ahead and continue to assume you are an self-entitled fuckwit.
Then there's the half off joke. You know "Pants are half off? Which half? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA".
No. Just don't. There is nothing at all funny about that. Ever. There never was. And it also makes zero sense. Seriously? What does that even mean? Because I've heard it for years and still don't get why it's supposed to be funny or people feel compelled to say it.
And my favorite: "Oh it's not scanning? It must be free then!" Two words: Fuck. You. Why do you think letting you STEAL THINGS is funny? If they were free they would be labeled as such. Sometimes our computers malfunction. Sometimes barcodes are partially missing. Sometimes our inventory glitches out. Whatever. This is easy enough for us to fix. Sometimes we may need to go as far as to call a manager to go get the proper sku number for us to key in but that's about it. Yes, it might take a few minutes sometimes, but really, it's a matter of finding the same item or searching our inventory for the item and getting that bad boy in there. But you, you customer you, you thinking it's funny to suggest we let you steal things from our store. My job is partly to prevent stealing. And if I was allowed I would deny the sale to every asshole that made that joke at my register.
Last but not least, when we check a large bill to make sure it's real, don't joke that it's good because you "just printed them this morning". Know why we check them? Fake bills aren't money. The second I hear that, I double and even triple check bills because, well, a lot of people are assholes and I have gotten fake bills before. Do you walk in a bank and jokingly say "just put all the money in a bag and no one gets hurt"? No. Why? Because you will be tackled to the ground in heartbeat and restrained until cops arrive. Just because I don't have an armed guard doesn't mean I am not JUST as suspicious of your money as a bank teller would be. Know where the money comes from if I accidentally accept a fake bill? My pocket. I am 100% responsible for the money in my drawer. If I fuck that up, I can lose my job. Man, I'm sure my family would be thrilled if my paycheck disappeared over some asshole giving me counterfeit money. So yes, I'm going to double check your bills when you say that, since you clearly are an asshole and I want to keep my job.
You want to make us smile? Laugh even? Tell us a real joke. Ask how our day is going. We're probably having a rough shift and the smallest bit of human decency can turn that right around. Seriously. I could have just been assaulted by an angry mother because we don't have the hot item of the season at 4pm on Christmas Eve, and if my next customer just smiled at me and wished me a good night, the previous woman wouldn't even matter because those good customers are SO rare that we cherish them. Joking about stealing, however, makes me really want to ball up my fist, extend my arm, and punch you right in the eye.
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