It isn't all bad, I swear.

I know this probably sounds like a ton of bitching, and you might be wondering why the HELL I still work there. It most certainly does suck a lot of the time, but one good customer/group of customers, can offset the shitty people for weeks on end. Seriously. Let me tell you about last night.

I was closing last night, not really in the mood to be working honestly but had to suck it up and go as my mortgage isn't going to pay itself. It was a slow day. REALLY slow day. And those are the worst. I have to be there for 8 hours. And I saw maybe 20 individual groups of people. Ugh. But this one group, oh man did I love them.

Two girls and three guys, two of which were clearly homosexual. Loud, funny, and slightly inappropriate the lot of them. Reminded me of my friends a bit. One of the fabulous boys comes over to buy some stuff and tells me about his life long crush on JTT. Yes I am showing my age, no I don't care. So I mention that I had heard JTT was making a comeback but couldn't remember what it was or where I had heard it. And then of course we discuss Macaulay Culkin like good little girls from the 90s. He scoots off to his group of friends again and I go about my work for the night. It's a sale change night so I have literally 100 things to get done in 30 minutes after we close, so I'm doing as much ahead of time as I can.

One of the girls this lovely man was with (they were all lovely don't get me wrong, second favorite customers of my career) was trying to find a second item to take advantage of our sale, and was looking at one of the 6 items that wasn't included in it. I go to inform her of that, and walk in on totally inappropriate jokes about gay sex. I mean, from creepy people, I'd have been asking them to leave, but these guys were not creepy and just clearly having a great time. They retold the joke for me, I laughed with them, and we all started talking about life and stuff.

Finally they're ready to check out, and ALL of them come to the register. Chaos. Beautiful yelling, shouting chaos. Both from my customers and from me. Fortunately I have a little wiggle room with professional image considering where I work, so if I'm joking around loudly with a customer, it's not really anything out of line.

These guys ended up spending 4 times what they had originally came in for, didn't give any fucks, and offered to buy me dinner on my break for being so awesome. I declined since I have a crazy person diet, but told them where I hang out on my days off because really I'd love to be able to tell them off the clock how freaking amazing they were. Or hug them. Or something.

And guys, if you ever find this, I told you that you were all going in my blog!!

Flirting with the sales girl 101

So you came in and saw this pretty girl smile at you, giggle at your jokes, and flirt with you a little. You think you might have a shot huh? Sorry, 9 times out of 10 that's a big old nope. A nope and a half even. See we're WORKING. Our job is to get you to spend money, and men are simple, simple creatures. Wanna compliment us? Awesome. We do love compliments. And we probably think you're an okay guy. But then you go too far and we really just want to punch you. Seriously.

What shouldn't you do? Here is a list:

• Touch us. Don't ever touch me. I don't know you and I don't get paid enough to tolerate unwanted touching. In fact, no one does. Have some manners. 

• Ask us to "help you try something on". Two words for that: Fucking. Disgusting. 

• Use inappropriate language. Would you want someone to say that to your sister/daughter? No? Don't say it to us. 

• Keep going when we're giving you clear "NO" signals. If I keep trying to talk away from you, you are probably creeping me right the fuck out and I have zero interest. This is not an invitation to follow me around and find new things to talk about as I am ringing out other customers. 

• Ask where we live/what our number is. If I want you to have either of those pieces of information, I will write it on the back of your receipt when you leave. Chances are I don't, but sometimes your sales girl is single and would like to see you again. She'll let you know. 

• Touch us. This warrants being said more than once. 

• If you have been flirting with us, and are buying tons of stuff to impress us and suddenly hear of a boyfriend or fiance, don't go put all that shit back and walk out with nothing. That just screams asshole and everyone remembers that. You're a scumbag. 

• And for the love of Pete and Pete, don't leer at us. We are forced to be here, can not escape, and there is nothing worse than being unable to flee a creepy dude at your job. I appreciate that you find me attractive, really. But have manners and class about it. I don't wanna finish my shift just dying to get home and scrub off three layers of skin because of the way you were looking at me. I am not a piece of meat. 

There was a guy who came in to my store a few days ago, asking if me or my manager had seen his friend. He said he was going to be in our store but wasn't answering his phone. While giving us a description of his friend he kept stopping to tell us we were "beautiful ladies". Compliments all around. And you know what? We really appreciated it. He stayed more than an arms length away from us at all times, and used respectful language. He at one point asked if our store only hired beautiful redheads to work there and I laughed and pointed at our large burly male cashier who is also a redhead and said yes and he took the joke so well and just kept rolling with it. It was so nice to be complimented in a non creepy way, my manager and I talked about it for the rest of the day. THAT boys, is how you flirt with the sales girl. 

Oh, I'm sorry, you must have misread my nametag. It does NOT say babysitter.

Oh I could talk about this for HOURS. I mean, I am not a fan of most small children. They're messy, dirty, smell, and make really high pitched noises that literally hurt my ears almost constantly. I don't find babies adorable, or anything toddlers do excusable because "oh they're just kids".

I was a kid. If I knocked over a whole display of jewelry in a store, I would get dragged right back to it by the back of the shirt, told to help the sales woman clean it up, then apologize and mean it, before being taken straight home for a talking to about behaving in public. A very few parents still operate this way. I have no idea why, but my generation flat out SUCKS at raising children. And even at just watching their own.

I get at least 3 young children unattended in my store on any given day. I don't mean like 12 young, which is still too young to be wandering the mall alone as far as I'm concerned. I'm talking like 6 and under young. They just walk in with no parent in tow, run around, touch everything with their sticky hands, and scream. AWESOME. I totally get paid enough to deal with that.

Or, on the other side of the coin, a woman walks in with her kids, ignores them the second they cross the threshold of our store, is far too involved in our lingerie section and by the time she remember she has a kid, I've watched it walk out and across the way to the Pretzel Shop trying to steal their pretzels because it's a kid. Now half of you are sitting there telling me I'm irresponsible and should have not let that kid run away. Guess what? I don't have children. So it's not my responsibility to watch them at all. Yes, I was keeping an eye on it, but for the protection of the child and not to assist the mother who clearly ignores the kid all the time. Should anyone have tried to take that kid, I would have been on their ass in a heart beat with security being called by a coworker from my store. But so long as the kid was safe, I don't care how scared the mother is. Watch your own children.

Nothing in our store is really kid friendly. We don't sell toys, we don't have a kids section, we do have some candy, but I don't think candy is a thing small children should be eating. So why, WHY do you let your kids come in here unattended and mess up everything? You don't want to come in here, I see you sitting on the bench 100 feet away yapping on your phone. Either come in with your kid, or your kid is getting sent back out. I am not responsible for anything that happens to unattended children because I am a cashier. I am not your babysitter. And I certainly won't help you parent. Don't wanna watch your own kids? A - Don't have them, B - Leave them home with someone. Or if none of those work for you, most malls have a babysitting service! Just ask at the customer service desk if they do daycare services, and some peppy young girl with sing and laugh and play with your kids while you shop without them.

Whatever you do, don't just let them wander in my store or forget they exist once you wander in. As far as I'm concerned, a mother who flat out FORGETS she has children because she is too excited about "clubwear" is not only a slut, but fucking scum of the earth. So do us all a favor and realize we're here to do our jobs, not watch your kids.

No, we are not an ATM, that is down the hall and free to use.

I don't know why, but for some reason there is an obnoxious amount of teenagers and younger 20-something's that only carry around large bills. I can't recall seeing as many hundreds and fifties as a kid as these kids just throw around. Good for them I suppose for having all that money, but there's a certain etiquette they have yet to pick up about spending those bills.

For the love of god, DON'T use a hundred dollar bill to buy an item that is $2. Especially when it's early in the day. Other people pay in cash and we need to make change for them too. We're not a bank. Not to mention, early on, we only have small bills and change in our drawer. Most tills don't have twenties in them until someone gives us one. Counting out $97.68 in fives and ones is a pain in the ass and fucks our drawer for the rest of the day.

And if you just want to break a bill, too bad. The second you ask us to break something when another customer buys and item, red flag. We're fairly convinced that shit is fake. Bring it to a bank. they will gladly give you twenties, tens, whatever you want, but we don't have that in our registers, and even if we did, it's not for you. There is an ATM literally 25 yards from our store in our mall, and a bank located in our parking lot. A full operating branch. Maybe a minute walk tops from the closest mall exit to us.

It's not just teens and young adults that do this though. They certainly are the majority, but a decent amount of adults do it too. A few weeks ago I had a very nice older woman in my store. She came up to my register to buy a clearance item that was maybe $3. I rang her in, gave her the total and she opened her wallet (that was packed with assorted bills mind you) and pulls out a hundred. I wince a little and ask her if she has anything smaller since I was pretty sure I didn't have any twenties in my drawer. It was about 3pm, and all the sales I had rang in that day were on a credit card. So I KNEW I had a till with 50 in singles, about 20 in change, and the rest in 5s.

This woman switches in a heart beat from super nice, to holy mother of god bitch in a second flat. And tells me "Don't lie to me you've sold stuff all day, now give me change for that!" Clearly, she is clairvoyant and can see the bills or lack there of I have been handed. But I have SEEN in her wallet tens, fives, and twenties. So I try again and explain all the sales have been on credit, and since I was the first one here, I know if I break that bill she is getting all fives back, maybe she has something smaller to pay with, or a credit card, or I'll give her the fives. She then gets belligerent and starts yelling at me to take money out of the other register to make change for her.

Let's stop right there. Hi. This is a business. We have rules. Every time that till opens is logged, and can not open without a sale or manager doing it manually. AND. At the end of the day, each drawer has to settle with itself. Not the entire store needs to be even. Being 5 bucks short on one till, and 5 over on the other doesn't cancel each other out. So no, I can't put the money from the sale at register A in the register for B and make change. Ever. If you are the nicest most pleasant customer in the history of retail, I may break bills to give you change out of another register, and lie on the paperwork for the manual open that register B needed pennies or something, but you have to be not only super nice, but spending a whole hell of a lot of money.

Back to our older woman. As I finished the transaction, she leaned over the counter and put her face in my till and started pointing in there to makes sure I wasn't lying or screwing up her money or something. I ended up getting screamed at for a few minutes because I gave her the change in fives and ones like I told her I would have to, and couldn't (because I like my job and my paycheck) tell her to get her fucking face and hands out of my money. This old bag was one of the biggest assholes I have met in all of retail.

We honestly don't care if we end our shift with mostly hundreds or mostly singles, but we need to know we have the right change for the rest of our shift. So if your cashier says they don't have enough twenties to break that bill, and you see two or three in the drawer, keep your mouth shut. There are other customers, some of which will pay appropriately for their things, and we need to make change for them. Yes they get preferential treatment for having manners, and I don't think I need to explain why.

Returns: How do they work?

I've probably returned a good 100 or so items I have purchased in my life. Half of those were probably exchanges. But even as a kid with zero work experience, I've managed to understand how it works. Maybe I'm too smart for this world, but I'd like to think that's not the case. I mean, I'm bright, but I'm no Einstein. I mean, I decided (for whatever reason) I do not want this item after all. I have my receipt still so I bring it back to the store. The cashier looks at my receipt, sees what I actually paid for the item, and I get that back either in the form of a refund or store credit towards another item. And then I go about my life. Seems so simple right? Then why do customers make it so hard on us? Maybe there's some sort of mystery surrounding this whole ordeal to the average customer. I will try to demystify it all for you.

Return VS Exchange: 

For some reason, I get customers that don't understand the difference. They will insist they just want to return an item, but 5 minutes later they are waiting in line again to buy the same item in a different size. That, my dear customer, should have been an exchange. Not only is doing one transaction easier for us, but it saves you time. And guess what! You can use that exchange towards ANYTHING we sell. Returning a dress because you decided not to go to that event? You can use it for new jewelry or some socks for your kid! We don't care! 

How your money is refunded:

So you bought this stuff with a credit card. That's fine, I have the ability to refund that money right back on the card! No big deal. But what I don't have the ability to do is refund your money in a different way than you paid. See all the transactions are stored in our system. Our computer will allow us to give store credit on anything, because we're not actually refunding any money and that's fine. But if you bought it with plastic, we can't refund it with paper money. There are a few reasons for this. First, it makes the paperwork easier for the poor soul at corporate who has to deal with all of these things. Second, you chose to pay this way. If you bought something with cash and later realize you're going to be overdrawn when your car insurance hits but you already spent the cash you had to cover it on stuff at my store, I feel bad for you, but it is not my job to correct your mistakes in life and refund money on to a card my store has never taken money off of. I just can't do it. And lastly, maybe most importantly, it is to protect you from fraud. Say someone comes in and purchases something using your credit card. Maybe $500 worth of merchandise. They come back later and want to return it all. For cash. No way. Never gonna happen. If we did, that money is gone forever. We're normally pretty awesome about checking cards to make sure they aren't stolen, but one or two could slip by us. 

Returning items you bought on sale:

Because of the state of our economy, a lot of stores have constantly changing "BOGO" sales. Every store does their receipts for these sales differently. If it's buy one, get one half off, some places spread the discount over both items and your receipt will show that. Some will only show the discount on one item. Here's the thing, regardless of how the receipt displays the discount, we all return the items the same way. So you bought 4 pairs of pants at $50 each. Full price would have been $200 but with the BOGO you got them for $150. Still with me? Good. You want to return pair number 3. That's fine, we can do that. But we have to adjust the price of the refund to remove the second BOGO you got. You will only be getting $25 back for that pair even though you paid $50 for it. If that makes sense to you, you are the customer every cashier wants. Go get yourself a snack and watch a movie. You don't need to be reading this anymore. To those still confused, allow me to explain. 

If I were to refund you that $50, you would have effectively bought one pair at the full $50 price, and gotten TWO pairs for $25. You would have gotten one half off for no reason. If we remove that discount, and only refund you the $25 then it was as if you only bought three pairs originally and only got the one discount you were owed. Why can't we just give you the $50? Because like most things I address here: THAT'S STEALING FROM US. No one here is trying to scam you out of money. We don't benefit from refunding you less than is fair. In fact, we can get FIRED for doing that. 

Returns without a receipt/tags, or Why I can't take your word that you paid $300 dollars for this: 

Sometimes, you lose or accidentally throw away receipts for things you wish to return. Hey man, that's okay. We can work something out. 99% that something is store credit for the current price of the item. That is the fairest way we have come up with doing it. Got a better idea? Please share it. I would welcome a way to deal with this that doesn't get me screamed at. Swearing to me you spent $50 on that t-shirt will get you nowhere. I know for a fact we don't sell a single t-shirt that is over $30 so I already know you're a liar. Your cashier is bound by corporate policy and physically can not change the price that it scans at. I mean, when you bought it you understood the prices are set in the computer. So how come when you return it you think we can magically give you more for it? Again: STEALING. 

And when it comes to tags, generally them being removed is a rd flag that they've been worn. Do you want to buy clothes some stranger has worn out somewhere and sweat into? No? Didn't think so. Don't be the scumbag that returns shit like that okay? 

Return Policy and why our managers sometimes ignore them: 

Take any receipt you have from a receipt trip to a clothing store. Turn it over. All those words there? That's our return policy. We know that bitch inside and out and don't care how you feel about it. There's nothing your cashier can do to make an exception. Now here's a secret. Most managers are allowed to override that policy in extreme cases. Like some 6'5" 300 pound man is screaming at their 5'1" 100 pound teenage girl cashier. A manager will give the dude a full refund in a heartbeat to GET HIM THE FUCK OUT of the store. Not because they want to or agree with you, because they want you gone NOW. And they will remember you. And they will hold it against you the next time you are in. They will never do that for you again, and will have security escort you out the next time you act like such a fool. Also, if you are screaming at some poor cashier because she is doing her job, you need to go home, take a long hard look in the mirror, and figure out why you are such an asshole. 

Cell phones and why they have no place in our store.

Or any store for that matter. Remember last week when we talked about ignoring employees and how we hate that? Yeah this is kind of like that. Sure, we all have cell phones. Sure, we all get important and emergency calls that we have to take right that minute. But what we don't have to do is scream into our cell phones in public about our spreading yeast infections. Especially at my register while I ring up your purchase.

My store, like most mall stores, has it's own music pumped in through speakers. Most of the time it's kept at a level that is loud enough to clearly hear the music, but still low enough that you can hear people who are speaking at a normal volume. So when you walk in to these tiny mall stores, screaming into your phone about your business, you are even more of a fool than you look if you think everyone isn't paying attention to the dumb shit you think is more important than everyone else and judging you for it.

Ever notice when you're in some stores on your phone, the music seems unnecessarily loud? Yeah, we turn it up if you're being excessively obnoxious. I don't really want to hear about your last abortion or how your boyfriend gave you herpes. Seriously. These are things you talk about IN PRIVATE. So yes, I will crank my stereo as loud as the mall itself allows in order to either get you out of my store with this nonsense, or hang up so I don't have to hear it. And every other customer in my store is aware of what I am doing. And supports it. Because they don't want to hear it either.

I mean, taking off my name tag, and sitting here as just a normal person, WHY????? Why do you need to talk about really private matters, in public, in a loud enough voice that people OUTSIDE of my store can hear you? Huh? What happened to the days of not airing your dirty laundry in public? When did that stop?

And let's take this lack of manners just one step further. When you are ready to pay for your things: Hang. Up. The. Damned. Phone. It's just common courtesy. I'm not standing here bullshitting with my coworkers about what we're doing later tonight and ignoring you. I'm giving you my full attention and I deserve the same respect. You are no better than I am. I promise. Or at the very least, tell your BFFL to hang on, put the phone down, finish the transaction and then continue your conversation. Your husband will still be a cheating bastard after you've paid for your things.

And sometimes, yes. The call is VERY important. Your child was seriously injured at school. Your spouse found out they are getting laid off. Someone died. It happens, and when it does, I will be more than understanding if you just slightly pull your attention away from the conversation, mouth "I'm sorry" at me, and try to keep up with what's happening so you can pay me at an appropriate time. I will quickly and silently ring up your things. Point at the total, run your card, and hand you a receipt mouthing the words "Thank you" as to not interrupt whatever major life thing is happening. And I won't mind. I've had things like that happen in my life, and sometimes I get the call just as I'm getting in line to check out. But I will not stand in front of some poor cashier, yelling over the music about how I think my husband knows I've been cheating on him with his brother, while I shove my debit card in that poor girl's face before she's even rang an item in. Not because I know her pain, because I am a decent human being.

The jokes every retail employee hates.

As a retail employee, I do enjoy when customers joke around with me. Honest. I appreciate humor. Know what's not funny though? Most of the things you end up saying.

Like when we ask if you found everything you were looking for or need anything else. For some reason, every dude over 30 replies with "I couldn't find the bag full of money" or some variation. OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THAT TO ME THIS HOUR. EXCUSE ME WHILE I LAUGH TILL I PEE MY PANTS. It's not funny when you say it. It wasn't not funny the first time I heard it. It's never going to be funny. Are you expecting us to one day pull a giant bag of cash out from under the register and just hand it the fuck over to you? Don't you think if we had one of those laying around for the taking, we'd take it ourselves and be a little happier? No? Go ahead and keep making that joke, and I will go ahead and continue to assume you are an self-entitled fuckwit.

Then there's the half off joke. You know "Pants are half off? Which half? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA".

No. Just don't. There is nothing at all funny about that. Ever. There never was. And it also makes zero sense. Seriously? What does that even mean? Because I've heard it for years and still don't get why it's supposed to be funny or people feel compelled to say it.


And my favorite: "Oh it's not scanning? It must be free then!" Two words: Fuck. You. Why do you think letting you STEAL THINGS is funny? If they were free they would be labeled as such. Sometimes our computers malfunction. Sometimes barcodes are partially missing. Sometimes our inventory glitches out. Whatever. This is easy enough for us to fix. Sometimes we may need to go as far as to call a manager to go get the proper sku number for us to key in but that's about it. Yes, it might take a few minutes sometimes, but really, it's a matter of finding the same item or searching our inventory for the item and getting that bad boy in there. But you, you customer you, you thinking it's funny to suggest we let you steal things from our store. My job is partly to prevent stealing. And if I was allowed I would deny the sale to every asshole that made that joke at my register.

Last but not least, when we check a large bill to make sure it's real, don't joke that it's good because you "just printed them this morning". Know why we check them? Fake bills aren't money. The second I hear that, I double and even triple check bills because, well, a lot of people are assholes and I have gotten fake bills before. Do you walk in a bank and jokingly say "just put all the money in a bag and no one gets hurt"? No. Why? Because you will be tackled to the ground in heartbeat and restrained until cops arrive. Just because I don't have an armed guard doesn't mean I am not JUST as suspicious of your money as a bank teller would be. Know where the money comes from if I accidentally accept a fake bill? My pocket. I am 100% responsible for the money in my drawer. If I fuck that up, I can lose my job. Man, I'm sure my family would be thrilled if my paycheck disappeared over some asshole giving me counterfeit money. So yes, I'm going to double check your bills when you say that, since you clearly are an asshole and I want to keep my job.

You want to make us smile? Laugh even? Tell us a real joke. Ask how our day is going. We're probably having a rough shift and the smallest bit of human decency can turn that right around. Seriously. I could have just been assaulted by an angry mother because we don't have the hot item of the season at 4pm on Christmas Eve, and if my next customer just smiled at me and wished me a good night, the previous woman wouldn't even matter because those good customers are SO rare that we cherish them. Joking about stealing, however, makes me really want to ball up my fist, extend my arm, and punch you right in the eye.